Confused Husband
September 12, 2007
My wife is Seasonally Bipolar and has hypo-thyroidism. Before I met her, unbeknown to me, her prior relationships all began in the summer and ended in the winter. I proposed to her in the summer but, when fall came, I was “postponing” the wedding a few times.
She was then diagnosed with depression, took an SSRI at noon, didn’t tell me and by 5:00 p.m. that same day was wonderful (hypomanic) though she did tell me that she saw herself as “dressed in white, illuminated, almost Holy.”
Our relationship began to struggle incredibly each winter and each year was a little worse. One winter, my Sunday-school wife thought a cop and a Hotel guard wanted to rape her, so she defended herself aka taking a swing at them.
Over the last 7 winters, there was only one winter where there wasn’t a problem, and that’s when she was on Zoloft.
I thing what happened is that because a woman’s depressed episode comes first, that my wife’s manic episodes were as intense as the preceding depressed episode such that the Zoloft did help.
Anyway, to make a long story short, this winter, I disagreed with her over eggs and the way she saw it, I attacked her (aka persecutory delusion - I was perceived persecutor #8, all of which follow a general theme of her consuming alcohol, then a man attacks her that somehow has to do with sex) and she called 911. The cop says, “I don’t think there should be an arrest but, the mandatory arrest law requires that I arrest someone and although there’s no sign of an attack or threat, she says she’s scared and that’s enough to warrant the arrest.
I am now charged with domestic abuse.
If found guilty my name will go on a list of potentially violent people to be tracked.
By trade, I am a children’s self-defense instructor.
My wife was coached by a crisis center on how to get a four year restraining order against me making it illegal for me to contact her but, she has repeatedly ask me to contact her. This was very hard on me.
She got an attack lawyer and filed for divorce. Her attorney advised her to not sign our bank renewal papers and now our business and six generation farm are now both in foreclosure.
She talks with my family, telling them how I attacked her.
It turns out her mom is bipolar and knew that it was genetic and never told any of her kids.
At one point, I was stressing over suicidal thoughts and the 911 call and preparing for the divorce temporary hearing so I went to the courthouse public records where I stumbled upon documents that my wife also accused every man that she has had a significant relationship with of domestic abuse, and her first husband did kill himself.
I lost 25 pounds in 31 days, couldn’t sleep or eat, had severe dizzy spells, couldn’t talk and had developed a stress induced tic when I went to my doctor with FMLA papers in hand saying “Dr., I have a coping disorder.” The doctor listened to my reasons and said “Your wife is obviously bipolar.”
I am controlling with good intentions, the kind of guy who would make the mistake of trying to “make” someone happy, instead of understanding that only they can make themselves happy, all I can do is help. This type of personality is flawed by thinking the end results are more connected to my actions than they are. This is not a good match for a bipolar spouse.
I’m still so confused.
Man’s law says it’s a felony if I contact her but, God’s law says that I am responsible to her, as a husband, through sickness and in health, and God’s law trumps man’s law but, I don’t think God wants me to go to jail either.
Through my lenses, I see her like being possessed. Like part of her is pleading to me
“PLEASE HELP ME!” and the other part is saying “F–K YOU!”
I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
The Divorce will be done soon.
I’m doing a little better each day but, the tic seems permanent.
It really hurts to hear our friends comment about how I “attacked my wife”.
How does a guy move on?
My sympathy to those of you who share my pain. I wish I had more answers.
Here’s the closest thing to an answer that I can provide:
When I brought my FMLA papers to my doctor, because I had lost my ability to talk, I wrote a poem to communicate with my doctor called “Fighting THE PERFECT ADVERSARY - A true story” in which the last paragraph goes something like this: Yes, though he (bipolar) may have taken the very jewel of my heart, and the majority of my family of whom I held most dear, and though he has brought me face to face with my own death, more than once, he has not killed me and I have discovered his identity and I will now fight him with the only tool that I know to work against him - education.
Confused Husband (about his responsibilities to his wife)
(If she is in a state of being accountable, then I think she has broken the marriage covenant but, if she is not in a state of being accountable for her actions, then I think the marriage remains intact. The question then becomes “How to discern through this question?”)
February 2nd, 2008 at 1:46 am
hello confused husband and rightfully you should be.
I’m a bipolar woman and had been diagnosed for 25 years. I understand what your going through actually my husband can better as he has been on your side of the table for 17 years now.
I’ve never called the police on him and he has had to restrain me in some of my very out of control moments of my episodes.
We have come very close to divorce with it being both couldn’t handle this illness.\
He has however also been my biggest supporter and without his understanding and that of my children who have had to learn to understand it and Mommy sometimes just is not herself
I read stories like yours and feel so horrible to what i’ve put my husband through in the past and afraid I will put him through it in the future.
We have found ways to control it as best as possible especially in those most stressful times.
Good luck in the future, If it’s okay I would like to link you up to my bipolar blog to help other husbands and wives out there who live with someone with it or those of us with it can see the other perspective, the reality we never believe to be true.
April 1st, 2008 at 6:39 pm
I feel so sad reading this for you. My partner acts exactly the same and accuses me of assualt and battery for pushing him away once when she was actually assaulting me and being verbally aggressive. He has assaulted me 3 times during hypomanias, and denies these calling them alleged assaults. It is so dreadful being disbelived by all, and lied about to family, friends, members and doctors. I have never been able to defend myself during any of thesec assaults for fear I would be hurt further. I have only ever pushed him away when coming towards me threateningly, and given hom one feeble clout on the shoulder after yelling at me and threatening me. This was long after all his assaults. His illness has hurt me so much with his aggressive, abusive comments, but I try to remember all the time it is not the person talking or acting at all. It is the illness, and they have no control over it. Did you actually touch your partner during this row about eggs? You did not say. Things can get out of hand very quickly, and it is tempting to lash back even once, even in a minimal way, but this t and be misconstrued, though understandable, it will never help, becuase they will use it against you at any opportunity and exaggerate the event, so always walk away if you feel like retaliating. I feel like strangling him, but only figuratively speaking because he can be incredibly cruel to me. This is very common with this condition during the manic or hypomanic phases. However, this is not him at all. I know this as he is the kindest of people when he comes out of it and very remorseful of this behaviour. However, unfortunately he forgets all that once in another episode again, and behaves as bad again, and justifies all his behaviours. If he has gone as far as charging you in court and lieing so much, I suggest you do leave and get a divorce unless she can fully retract her charges and admit in writing her own loss of perception and distorted thinking if she can receive treatment and be stabilised. This may be very dfifficult.
Good luck. Jill
April 1st, 2008 at 6:57 pm
During one time when my wife was having a manic episode, I became so frustrated with our “discussion” that I went to the basement and threw every single piece of furniture I could lift against the block walls - a table, several chairs, and a rocking chair, including tipping over a bookcase. I completely smashed an old antique rocker of my wife’s. At the time, it felt pretty good until I found out that it would cost me $300 to fix the rocker and it would probably never be the same.
During our arguments, my wife would twist everything I’d say and use it against me, accuse me of everything imaginable, and then some, and make life a living hell for me and our two kids.
Life is pretty good now and has been for the past couple years, but I feel awfully bad for anyone who has to experience times such as these. When you describe it to people, they just can’t believe it, because it is so incredibly incomprehensible.
By the way, when I took the rocking chair to have it repaired, the guy asked me, “Whoa, what happened to this?!” I told him that I threw it against the wall in the basement. He asked, “Why did you do that?” And I said, “Because I couldn’t lift the piano.” (Just a little bipolar humor to lighten up the discussion.)
April 12th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
On 2/11/08 my wife attacked my with hot kettle of soup, hot water to the face, three times with an iron lamp, a 15 lb jug of soap the jaw and head, kicking a knee she broke a year ago, and hit me with a chair, she fell and cut her head, for that I am charged with a felony, she stated that I punched her 20-30 times in the face, I am a recently discharged Army Veteran, and know how to fight, if I hit someone that many times they would be giving interviews, they would likely be in a come, she was off her meds and an alcoholic, we were married 6 months ago, and now all the charges and the divorce are pending, my heart is broken and I am so lonely without her, the evidence packet supplied by the police and the medical assure I did not hit her with anything, yet she lied about it all and denies her assaults on me. I just took it all because I could and loved her so, now she has turned on me and the oder for protection will not be lifted so we can get counseling and help. So Bless all of you who suffer in a mess like this. I pray so hard for Gods help and pray for you all. Old Sarge