Sherry’s Story - Bipolar Husband and Family
Posted May 17, 2008
My husband is 53 years old. I am 49, and we have been married for 31 years. We have 3 kids, 23, 21 and 16. Our 21 year old daughter has a 2 year old daughter and they both live with us. Also our 16 year old son lives with us.
After at least 10 months or more of depressed and manic behavior last year (2007), my husband went “crazy” in November and ended up being diagnosed with Bipolar I, severe mixed episode, psychotic.
In retrospect, he has struggled with bipolar since he was an adolescent. He also has adult ADHD. Since last November, when he was diagnosed, he has been trying to find the right cocktail of meds. About 5 weeks ago, he started feeling better and functioning better. That lasted about 3 weeks. Then after a doctor appointment, he misunderstood what she said and came home telling me he was supposed to wean himself off of Risperdal. Accordingly, I started reducing it .25 mg a week. After two weeks, he and my son got into a fight where my husband punched him in the back and then proceeded to throw about six books down the stairs at him.
So, last week, I went to his next doctor appointment with him. She said my husband had misunderstood and apparently, the Risperdal was necessary to help control his anger. I immediately raised his dose back to where it had been. Almost immediately, he seemed better.
Early this week, he was feeling good, functioning well, and his business (which he had trashed during his episode last year) had actually gotten three contacts, one of which had already produced a job, one verbal commitment and one possibility. I felt hopeful again. Things had become so dismal and impossible.
A little background; my mother died last summer (2007) and left me some money. Unfortunately, I didn’t know what I was dealing with and did not protect the money. Due to the fact he had trashed his business and was also spending on ridiculous things, we were blowing through the money at a record speed. When Mother died, we were on the verge of losing our house, so I had to make 5 house payments and also 4 car payments (on two cars). Of course, we were behind on other bills too, so right off the bat, I had to spend a chunk of money.
He had been telling me he was going off to work but was going to play golf, every day! Then he started going to a strip club where you could bring your own booze and blew tons of money. In fact, that is how he got busted. The stripper left a message on his phone that I picked up the end of October. This was totally out of character for my husband. He normally didn’t even drink and had never frequented strip clubs. One thing led to another and after tons of strife and investigation, I finally discovered what had been going on. All of this led up to his “losing” it in November.
He pulled every drawer out of my two dressers and threw them, dumping clothing and breaking the furniture. He tore up my closet, looking for his Klonopin. He threatened me because I wouldn’t give him the bottle of pills and threw things at me. Then he found a pistol in the closet, loaded it and started waving it around, threatening suicide. It was 7 a.m. in the morning, I was still in my robe and here I was chasing him from the back driveway to the front yard, begging him to stop and not kill himself. He jumped in the car and screeched off, while I frantically called 911.
Then I had four police in the house and I was hysterical. I just knew he was going to kill himself. Long story, short, he drove from north central Texas to North Carolina, and back, nonstop. He didn’t sleep for about 65 hours. That is how he ended up with the Bipolar diagnosis a week later.
So, back to current day, he came home yesterday, at 2:00 p.m. and announced he had bought a car. Here we are, no money (the inheritance is gone), no income yet (for several months we’ve had none), two existing car payments, and he buys a car! He didn’t even discuss it with me. He doesn’t think he did anything unreasonable and does not accept that this is classic manic behavior. He is in complete denial. I told him to take it back (he has a 72 hour buyer’s remorse window) and he has refused. I said, it’s the marriage or car and apparently, he’s choosing the car. He said it will be just fine. He will work weekends and nights at extra jobs, if necessary, to pay for it. Excuse me, he is too sick to work his one job, much less two more!
To top all of this off, my 21 year old daughter appears to be suffering from bipolar symptoms also. The last three years with her have been one fiasco after another. She bristles at the very suggestion that she has a problem. My son is ADHD and has a lot of anger. Yes, I know, he might be bipolar too. In fact, the daughter called the police on the son Monday night during a ridiculous squabble. She will probably end up with a misdemeanor C for doing that. They are both lucky one of them didn’t get arrested. I’m about to loose my mind. Really! I cried and cried last night. There is no reasoning with any of them. It is just one crisis after another. I don’t know what to do.
I have stayed home and raised children for the last 23 years. Now I keep my granddaughter every day while my daughter works. I have been out of the work market for so long, only have a high school education and don’t know who would keep the baby (the only bright light in my life). We have no money except equity in our home. Unfortunately, I have to have a living space large enough for my son, daughter, grandbaby and self. The mortgage payment on the house is cheaper than an apartment would be. So, my equity is tied up.
Believe it or not, I still love my husband. I’ve been with him since I was 18 years old. My marriage has been hell, but when he isn’t cycling, we are very compatible. We don’t have health insurance, because we can’t get underwritten due to mental health issues. Of course, we can’t afford it now either. Our income is so low right now, my husband is getting help through the state mental health program. However, he is not getting very good therapy care at all. Plus I need therapy and guidance to cope. My family needs therapy before it explodes and everyone is in jail. I am at my wits end.
My friends and family don’t know everything, but they do know some of it. I don’t tell them all of it, because it is embarrassing. Unfortunately, they don’t understand mental illness or the extreme distress I’m under. I feel hopeless and completely confused. I’ve tried to take care of everyone and do the right thing, but it all comes back on me. When they are acting out, they turn it around on me and say it is my fault. No one is grateful or even kind most of the time.
I know from reading things on the Internet that others are suffering similarly, but everyone around me just shakes their head. They can’t comprehend the constant chaos our family creates for itself. Sometimes when I look down the road and see nothing but more of the same, I don’t think I can bear it. I really don’t know how I’ve stayed out of the mental hospital myself!
May 17th, 2008 at 5:25 pm
Having two family members with bipolar is often referred to as bipolar squared rather than bipolar times two, and for good reason. Sounds like you have bipolar cubed. Your story really shows how bipolar can mess with the family dynamics.
When my wife was in her worst stage (before we really knew what bipolar was), our son was also exhibiting symptoms, too. He would cycle from extreme highs to extreme lows and have terrible fits of rage. And my wife would press just the right buttons to set him off. They seemed to feed off of one another until situations would escalate out of control. We couldn’t drive a quarter mile without one of them threatening to jump out of the car.
Looking back, I feel as though we really needed to reboot our lives - start all over. But when you have limited resources, as you point out, how do you do that? I wish I could have sent each of them to a separate sanitarium so they could be treated medically and be prepared to re-enter the family, but having someone committed is soooo difficult, and I’m not even sure its the best thing. When my wife was in the hospital, it really pushed her over the edge.
Is there a NAMI or DBSA group in your area who could provide some support? Somebody really needs to step in and intervene - force your husband and kids to get the treatment they need before the situation destroys you and your granddaughter. Any extended family members you can call into action? Sounds like you really need help. This is too much for one person to take on solo.
May 17th, 2008 at 6:35 pm
Well, I’m not familiar with DBSA, but I’ll investigate on the internet. I looked at NAMI the other day and there was a chapter in the town next to ours. Thanks for reminding me, I will look the phone number up once again and try to contact them. At the very least, maybe I’ll find some moral support.
All of our parents are deceased. I have two siblings, the oldest is bipolar (according to her doc, but I think she might be borderline personality) and the other one, my brother, is a stable, functioning person who is in a position to help, but might not. As I said before, we blew through an inheritance fairly fast (he knows what I received because he received the same) and we just bought a new car! Also, he has a 24 year old son who is ADHD and just got out of prison where the doctors said he was bipolar. My brother doesn’t really “believe” in all this mental illness stuff. He never wanted to put his son in therapy and only agreed to meds for ADHD because his wife insisted. They still resist the idea that the young man might be bipolar. He is already having trouble since getting out of jail four months ago. So I’m not sure my brother will be understanding of my situation. He always thinks you should be able to pull yourself up and simply do the right thing. My husband has one sibling, an older brother, who has been diagnosed with a personality disorder. They do not speak at all and have in fact disowned each other. We did reach out to our church last year, before my husband was diagnosed. At that point he was lying about everything and I was clueless as to what was really going on. They were too booked up with counseling to give us free counseling and my husband did not want them to pay for us to go somewhere else. He was too embarrassed for the deacon board to be aware of our financial and dysfunctional family problems. My husband is getting free care (meds and substandard therapy) from the state system. If it wasn’t for the free meds and doc, I have no idea what we would do.He would probably dead by now. We have tried to encourage my daughter to get help. At one point she did go to the psychiatrist (through the medicaid she had at the time because of being a single mom), but she didn’t tell him the truth about what was going on and he said she had anxiety and prescribed Buspar. She took it sporadically until it ran out and never went back again. She thinks all the bad things that happen to her are someone else’s fault. My son is on Adderall and sees a doctor for that every six months. However, it is just his pediatrician and I don’t make a big deal out what goes on, because he needs the Adderall. If she thinks it is over her head she will not see him. Then he will have to see a psychiatrist on a monthly basis for medication. I can’t afford that at all. The Adderall costs $125.00 a month as it is and the doc visits are $186.00 (that is with a 20% discount). Due to last year’s debacle with my husband’s business, we can probably qualify for medicaid. My husband has already qualified for the mental health assistance, but it allows for more income. However, watching my daughter’s experience with medicaid during her pregnancy and after, I know it is almost impossible to find competent caretakers. The system pays such a small amount of money, docs won’t take it. We are so broke right now, I can’t even make reduced payments for therapy. You probably know that therapy is a long, drawn out process and very expensive. I am thinking about calling a past psychologist we had to pick his brain for possible resources. I tried to get help a few month ago through a very well known, excellent teaching hospital that had a program for training docs. You could receive free care, but they turned us down. They said it was too complicated a situation and too serious for their program. I have begged every doc we have ever been involved with for help (back a few months ago), but all I can get is reduced fees which are still at least $75.00 a session. That is out of the question right now. You have probably quit reading by now, because it all sounds like a lot of excuses. I have tried to find competent helpful resources, but I keep running up against walls. I understand that therapists and docs have invested a great deal of time and money to make a living as they do. I can’t expect them to give their expertise away. I wish I lived in a country that has universal health care, but I don’t.
May 17th, 2008 at 8:47 pm
In the United States and probably in many other places around the world, a lack of money means a lack of options. I recently read this quote by Joan Didion:
“The secret point of money and power in America is neither the things that money can buy nor power for power’s sake … but absolute personal freedom, mobility, privacy.”
I certainly wish the best for your family, but my wishes do you little good.
May 18th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
Sherry–
If there was a time that your husband was not making money because of he was cycling, he may qualify for social security disability payments for that period of time. If your children are considered dependents during that time, they may also qualify for some payments.
You can’t control the disease or how your husband deals with it. You can only control what you do. Do you have a community center in your area where you can perhaps obtain some free legal counsel? I’m thinking you really need to look into protecting your assets and seeing how much control you can take concerning the family finances. Hopefully your name is on the deed for the house. Remember that if your husband borrows against the house without your approval, any liens placed on your house may not hold up in court.
If your husband bought a car during a manic episode, doesn’t that qualify as being not of sound mind and body? There should be a legal way to void that sale.
Your children sound old enough at this point to be contributing to the family finances, too. If they can’t chip in, maybe they need to ship out. I know your situation is very complicated (especially given the fact that you’re raising your granddaughter), but you need to look out for yourself and maintain your own mental health.
May 18th, 2008 at 8:34 pm
I’ll look into whether or not there are grounds to void the sale. Thanks for the suggestion.
May 19th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
I investigated a little further and found out the 72 buyer’s remorse thing doesn’t exist in Texas for the purchase of an automobile. If you sign those papers you own it. So I wasted the whole weekend trying to talk my husband into taking the car back. It was a waste of time anyway, because it was literally like talking to the wall. Well, I guess I can hope this is incentive to work hard at his business. He is out working today. Now I have to find a way to get past this, enough to be nice to him.
June 23rd, 2008 at 6:30 am
Sherry, I hope you are still reviewing the comments for your post–when I read your story, it brought back a lot of things that I have been experiencing in the last couple of years, too. My DH is bipolar also, and spent huge amounts of money on stupid stuff. Right now I am working 2 jobs mostly to pay off debts related to his spending sprees, and he just started working again after 2 years of cycling. I’m not sure where that’s going to go, but every penny helps right now….he also bought a lot of crazy stuff, did things that were very out of character for him, and it has been very hard on our marriage. We also have an adopted DD who is special needs, so although she’s not mine biologically, I can relate to the stress of trying to handle an out of control spouse and a child with problems, too. Since your post was over a month ago, I’m hoping that things have gotten better for you by now. And if you did choose to leave the marriage, I know that it’s not a lack of love that drives a person to that, either. Sometimes you just get to a point where you are either going to drown or you have to save yourself.
Hugs
Carol