Should I Go or Should I Stay?
January 25th, 2008 by JoeJill Ravitz recently posted her bipolar story, which caused me to think about my own situation with my wife and our family. Back in 1999 my wife was diagnosed as having bipolar disorder. Within about two years, we were discussing divorce.
Bipolar disorder was tearing us and our family apart. We argued all the time, even in front of our children, which all parents know is a big no-no. Our two teenage children were a wreck and were probably hoping we would get divorced so they could get a break from us. Well, maybe they weren’t so secret about it… I can’t recall.
We stayed together. I don’t know whether we were just too lazy to take on the burden of a divorce, too cheap to hire an attorney, too stubborn to let our 20 years + marriage go down the tubes, too afraid to break the news to our families, or too afraid of what divorce would do to our children. I have no idea why we stayed together, but I’m happy we did.
I always admired my wife. She enjoys life more than I do. She lights up a room and engages people. She is sincerely interested in other people. She is intelligent, sensitive, and funny. Her joy is contagious. I married her because of all that and more. Perhaps her energy and joy for life flows from that manic side of bipolar disorder. She is rarely depressed. It’s the mania that causes the most problems for us.
Jill’s story made me think about why Cecie and I got married in the first place. It made me realize what attracted me to her. It made me happy that we decided to stay together and try to keep the bipolar disorder from driving us and our family apart.
I don’t fault anyone for leaving someone who has bipolar disorder. I was very near that point myself. Who knows, maybe someday the disorder could drive my wife to do something I could not tolerate. I don’t know, but I wonder how many people split up prematurely, before they even have a chance to understand what is going on and help their loved one through it. And I wonder how much they lose out by leaving.
People with bipolar disorder are still people. They are still just as wonderful as they were before contracting the illness. What’s so tragic is that the illness can mislead us into thinking that our loved ones are no longer worth loving.
February 29th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
Wow is that story touching. I also have Bipolar and I can’t even begin to count how many times I’ve almost drove him away because of it. We’ve been together now for 17 years and he’s been my best support but also became my worse enemy because of it, or that’s how I would view him if something would set me off.
I have lived with Bipolar since I was diagnosed with it at 16 and it’s been a long tiring rollar coaster ride.
3 years ago I laid on the couch for days crying uncontrollably contemplating what’s the point of me being here when I realized my family would suffer the most with that thought, so I called my Doc immediately and started taking my meds, everyday and still do and don’t miss a dose. I do find my bipolar a blessing in so many ways as like your wife I enjoy life so blissfully and try to live everyday likes it my last. I love to be affectionate and make people feel happy, it breaks my heart so much if I see someone hurting or if accidently hurt someone though my words or actions.
You are so right, we are people too and all we need is love…hey that’s a Beatles song.
God Bless people like you and my husband who care and love people like us and don’t desert us at our greatest time of need.
Your a great husband.
April 1st, 2008 at 6:08 pm
I have tead both comments, and I can empathise with you. It is wonderful to fell this way, however, neither of you have mentioned actually why or what happens during the manias which make them the worst experience. However I can appreciate what proabably happens as my partner is bipolar, and very poorly stabilised. However it sounds as if your partners may have euphoric mania. It is a very different scenario with dysphoric manai, and there is nothing good about it I can asure you. They are the most unpleasant people to be around, however lovable when not manic. This can kill any relationship eventually with its relentless abuse, verbal and physical aggression and frequent cutt offs and rejections. There is a total lack f insight and this is the hardest thing to deal with, and a total lack of acknowledgment of thde behviour. I wouldlike to see some blogs written by bipolar experiencers who actually have insight and do admit to these damaging behaviours and describe them without minimising them or the impact.
April 1st, 2008 at 6:41 pm
The reason I didn’t mention what actually happens is that I was trying, in this particular post, to convey a sense of hope - that if you are able to hit upon treatments that work, working it out together can be very rewarding.
You’re right, though, trying to maintain a relationship with someone who is acting “mean manic” is very difficult. That’s why I said that I can’t blame people for walking out on a relationship or even a long marriage. I certainly wouldn’t have considered doing it myself if my partner had only euphoric mania.
Sure, I’ve suffered through weeks and weeks of being the object of constant blame and ridicule. I was falsely accused of having affairs and hiding money and had to sit through countless marriage counseling sessions trying to “prove” my innocence. I’ve had the misfortune of being a passenger in a car that was going 30 miles over the speed limit and swerving all over the road. And I had to watch my wife, the mother of our children, verbally and psychologically abuse our kids.
Yes, it is very ugly and painful, indeed. And I don’t fault anyone for not being able to take it. In fact, at one point, I thought it might be my obligation as a parent to leave and take the kids with me. I was fortunate enough to finally have things turn for the better before I had to make that tough decision.
What I am saying in my post, however, is that my wife is still a valuable person deserving of love. She just happens to have the misfortune of having a disease that, at times, can transform her into a bit of a beast. (And, to be perfectly honest, my reaction turned me into a bit of a beast, as well.)
I wish people who find themselves in similar relationships the best outcome possible. As Gail says, “this can kill a relationship,” and it often does.
April 1st, 2008 at 7:44 pm
Thank you so much for your honesty. That sounds more familiar now. How do you deal with the issue of insight ? Is your wife well enough to admit to the illness causing her to behave in these ways, or does she deny it, or not recall it. I know people often simply can not remember these situations, so it is even harder to accept or admit if they have no recollection of being like this. I agree it is a devastating illness, and a terrible misfortune. I feel the similarly that my partner derserves love and is not responsible for having it. I too have reacted with words that have been just as harsh after years of trying the gentle touch. Neither seem to work, but responding aggressively even verbally just exacerbates the situation even more as it becomes distorted and used against me at any opportunity ,and totally exagerrated , while there is a total denial of his 5 assaults on me, and constant attempts to rationalise and justify his behavioural extremes.
I am currently in the thick of it at the moment after years with my partner with constant rapid cycling bipolar 2 disorder with only a window period of about a day or two between further episodes into either deep depressions or hypomnias, with no well periods at all. My partner is currently hypomanic. This has gone on for about 7 weeks, despite numerous letters to the mental healty services. Theyb realy do nothing except offer routine appointments. It would almosr be better if he had the more acute form, bipolar one which is much esaier to identify at least and there is usually no doubt, and treatment is provided much quicker. Hypomia, though just as destructive is often left underttreated for years and episodes seem to be allowed to just run on. So much for early identification and repoerting of early warning signs as advised by the bipolar and other organisations. No one responds when I let them know in time to avert any epoisode.I am sure this is due to inadequate stabilisers or a combi nation therapy, and I am well aware of which medications ( i.e, any antidepressants or Lamotrigine ) which have all hassened the return of hypomania, sometimes within days. Being disbelived by social workers and mental healht team , and even family sometimes,during these episodes simply because they do not witness the behaviours at the time though have all been on thre receiving end in the past ,is so frustrating, and have been battling on requesting specialist referrals for ages in vain. Unfortunately my partner is so plausible and manages to convince them he is well at the very time he needs improved help.
We have no children and to be honest I would be very concerned about the risk of passing on such a dreadful illness to them as there is no doubt it is genetic. My partner’ s father is eaxctly the same. Having said that, a good percentage of children do manage to escape the genetic link, and it seems so cruel to deny someone the chance of a normal loving relationship and all that means, including children. It also seems cruel to risk giving this to another individual knowingly. It a real dillema. I would love to have children with my partner, and for him to experience all the joys of life he seems to have such difficulty accessing, and can not understand why all his siblings have achieved so much and all have families. He seems to have lost out so much, despite his efforts to rise above it. I too feel I am missing out, but would not wantto consider children until he kis much more stable. I amm in my forties already.
Currently I am the enemy and he has completely estranged himself as usual. He will not let me in , has been known to change the locks and will not answer the phone at all or make contact. he was totally dismissive on the one occasion tried to call around in the past week and just dismissed me and drove away. I suppose because we are not married and we do not have children he feels he can do this. He is ,however, usually so apologetic once he comes out of it and can’t contact me fast enough in remorse, and the inevitable depressions full of the perceived guilts that often acompany depression, and compounded by the very real guilt about how he has behaved, if he remembers some of it.
So sorry to ramble on. I feel so alone with this and feel cut off left right and centre by him and by the mental health services just when we need them. His family also never make any enquiries or offer any support during episodes, in fact never contact me at all, except his mother, who herself has even fallen for all his lies before, despite having witnessed all this behaviour for decades long before I came along. She would stil;l like to feel, I am keeping him ill, echoing what he says whe hypomanic. She has however recentyly started to se the truth again and started being supportive, once he turned his agression back on her again as in the past. I can understand how diofficult it is for her as a mother, and naturally mothers will always believe their sons. or will try to.
May I ask if there are any combinations of medications ( stabilisers ) that you have found helpful,apart from antidepressants which make him much worse as they always reliably trigger the hypomania. He is only on depakote, and had monotherapy with too low a dose of Lithium in the past, but never two stabilisers together.. Lamotrigine only worked on the depression by making him hypomanic instead and incredibly aggressive within 3 days of restarting it or of any increases. I feel that Lithium and depakote together might be more effective. He was once given seroquel, an antipsychotic when they cuaght him deeply depressed having just come down from months of hypomania. However , it too was only delivered at a non therapeutic level and was complicated by increasing the depakote at the same time and keeping on the Lmotrogine. We could not tell what was working or what was stopping some of the meds from working. I tended to feel it was the Lamotrigine aggravationg the symptoms, and the Seroquel was too low to be effective. After about 4 weeks there was some improvement in behaviour and insight but very short lived once he reduced the dose of antipsychotic, and the team went along with this. He also reduced the depakote at the same time. It is such bad practice to adjust or introduce 2 new meds at a time, as it makes it virtually impossible to tell which alteration is having the desired if any effect.
I really am struggling at the moment to get a referral and in the meantime will just persevere, and ride the storm, but I do not know how much longer I can do this for.
Interestingly enough I have a friend who has the euphoric type of bipolar 1 with classic mania and no rapid cycling. She has not had an episode for years now, though does suffer with chronic energy problems caused by constant low grade underteated depressions and has stopped all her medications .
Although she is much more pleasant to be with when manic than my partner who is dysphoric, I did not mean to imply that it was less destructive in the longterm for those who have the euphoric type. It can be equally devastaing in different ways especially in view of the loss of inhibition and risk taking, just less nastiness and aggression to others, and it can ofcourse change so suddenly to dysphoria and aggitation., especially as the euphoria usually disintergarates quickly.
Anyway, as I forget to stop and eat while blogging, I better go and look after myself now as there is no point in self neglect. I have only just discovered blogs and found it tremendously supportive and less isolating. Yours is the first reply I have ever recieved. I was amazed by the quick response. It really feels like there is someone and many others out there who do understand and will listen. I just wish could say the same for the mental health team who have much to learn.
Thank you for your glimmer of hope. I used to be so much more hopeful but am a liitle short on hope supplies at present. Looking forward to spring. Hope you and your family enjoy it. Take care and thank you.
Gale.
April 1st, 2008 at 7:56 pm
So sorry for dreadful typing and spelling errors !
April 1st, 2008 at 8:14 pm
Hi, Gail-
You certainly do a tremendous job of describing what life is really like in the trenches and how truly challenging it is for loved ones. Do you have a local NAMI group? NAMI has a course specially designed for friends and family of those who have mental illnesses. It does a great job of helping people develop a better understanding, but one of the things I felt most helpful about it is that it teaches you to set limits and encourages you to take care of yourself and your own needs, as well.
Ultimately, your partner is responsible for his own well-being. It’s noble to help him out as much as you possibly can, but he needs to take ownership of the illness… take his meds, get therapy, etc. That’s easier said than done, however, because it sounds like during many of the episodes, he lacks “insight.”
My partner also lacks insight during hypomanic episodes. (When she’s feeling better, she does tell me she feels bad for all I have to put up with, and she tells me how much she appreciates what I do, so that helps.) During the episodes, however, it’s almost as if she wants to pick a fight, and I often fall for it. Once that happens, it’s all out War of the Roses. It’s tough to hold back when someone is in attack mode and in your face.
I wish you and your partner the best. And if you have any time and energy less and a NAMI group nearby, check out the friends and family program.
April 1st, 2008 at 8:17 pm
Jill, the typing and spelling errors don’t bother me. I appreciate your contribution. If they really bother you and you want to send me a “corrected version,” just email it to me using the Contact Us page, and I’ll replace your post with the correction. I would edit for you, but I’m kinda strapped for time.
April 7th, 2008 at 10:30 pm
Thank you for your support and suggestions. It is a difficult one . I have not attended NAMI but have attended the former MDF , now called MDF THE BIPOLAR ORGANISATION. This is a support group for those with bipolar or those caring for or closely affected by someone’s bipolar disorder. It has been extremely helpful at times, and my partner has also come along too, less often, but atleast he has tried. I have also read and researched quite extensively and come from a medical background, so I do understand the illness very well also having lived day to day with my partner, so it is not just text book leaning, but face to face experience. This is where the mental health team lack experience. Though I do mypartner’s bipolar mood swings only too well, it still does not make it any easier ,as you say, when someone is yelling at you 2 feet away, or threatening worse, or cutting you off from all contact for weeks or months. I do not feel in my partner’s case it is a matter of ownership or compliance. He is attending his appointments, and does take his medication. He feels he is doing what is asked, and in effect he is, but if the psychiatrists can not prescribe the correct combination or dosage of medication, review treatment during episodes, or even recognise symptoms when they occur, it is not up to him. I belive he is still having episodes becuase they have not stabilised his condition. He has made lots of lifestyle adjustments, which only breakdown once in an episode.Insight is not something he can choose and 50 % apparently completely lose their insight during hypomanic phases, and all sensibility goes out of the window, unless there is an incredibly high level of awareness and insight. He does not take himself off his medication. It simply is not working for him and I can not get through to the mental health team because he convinces them he is well, because that is what his mind tells him during episodes. I simply do not know what to do, and there seems no help any groups can offer. It seems that the mental health teams are more in need of education about symptom identification, and they are unwilling to refer on for specialist advice re mediactions that would work. There seems nothing I can do except look after myself until he comes out of the episode and then there might be an opportunity to talk again about seeking better treatment. I have written in detail listing every symptom he dislays whilst in these episodes and descrbing behaviour but it sens to fal on deaf ears. Unless they see the behaviour for themselves and he convinces them otherwise, I am simply not taken seriously , and his treatment remains unchanged.
JILL
April 18th, 2008 at 10:08 pm
I know exactly what driving him away feels like….I’ve apparently dealt with bipolar since a teen but was only recently diagnosed at 32. He’s trying to hold on but is not far from running away screaming. With Medication does it get better? I haven’t been put on any yet.
April 20th, 2008 at 6:22 pm
i have a husband who is in rel bad shape he has a good job we have 5 children and he will not get help he says everyone doest need apill to live but still he self meds his self ,acholol,drugs. what is the difference? he is very mean and his mother doesnt help matters one bit she pets him, but doesnt want to deal with himm on a daily bases.but me and my kids do i have a 6yr old and she is really troubled the older kids are fed up. ilove him he is great when he isnt bipolarin out-but they are becomeing often and getting worse! i know its an illness but he doesnt want help,he always gets mad when i bring it up, but icant take the physical and mental abuse anymore he has all the worst symtons and i have really researched this in detail . i dont want my children to think this is a normal and acceptable behavior!! people on peobation as he is get drug test for illeagal drugs but they wont test him to make sure he takes his meds tha inall reality would keep out of trouble and they have seen his papers that diagnosed him manic-+ bipolar ,does the state or goverment even know how much crimes, domestist and a whole lot more trouble this would stop, maybe the jails and prisons would be so over populated,huh? i would like to leaern more about the whole bipolar thing,but also i pray that more people realize what a terrible illness this is.!!!!!!!!! it is the cause of most addictions!!! i am so confused,please give me some advice????
April 20th, 2008 at 6:58 pm
[…] a previous post, “Should I Go or Should I Stay?” I discuss the dilemma that many people face when living with a person who has bipolar […]
April 20th, 2008 at 7:39 pm
Hi, Angie–
I’m not sure anyone can offer the sort of advice you need at this point. What you’re going through is unimaginable for people who haven’t experienced something similar. Fortunately, my wife realized she needed help and continues to this day to identify medications, therapies, and other things that can help alleviate some of the symptoms.
I would recommend that if you have a NAMI (Search NAMI State/Local Groups) group in your area, contact the group and find out if they offer the course for friends and family. This course offers excellent guidance on how to set limits, so you can assist a loved one with bipolar disorder while still encouraging your loved one to take ownership of the problem.
What’s so terrible about bipolar is that the person who has it often lacks the “insight” that they have a problem, so they won’t seek help. By setting limits, your husband will be more aware that if he doesn’t seek help, he will have something to lose, such as your support. (I wouldn’t recommend delivering an ultimatum, though, because I have found that ultimatums rarely work. You need to state what you are willing to put up with and decide for yourself what you will do if he does not obtain treatment.)
I would say “Hang in there,” but if I had a nickel for every time someone told me that, I’d be a very rich man.
May 2nd, 2008 at 10:45 pm
Anyone who found this post interesting may also want to read the post in Bipolar Stories called “A Wife’s Story.”
May 31st, 2008 at 1:59 pm
I am a journalist doing an article on divorcing a bipolar spouse and need a participant who has been involved in this. I supply all questions in advance and you would be afforded the opportunity to review the article before publication for any suggested revisions. You will not be compensated. However, you will be able to provide insight from your experience to others facing a similar situation. If you wish to contribute, you may email me at bruceinirving@yahoo.com.
Below is a link to the site showing some of my articles so you can get the flavor of what we do.
http://www.divorce360.com/articles-by-bruce-mccracken/102.aspx
June 4th, 2008 at 12:32 am
Hi guys, I am currently married to my wife for 25 years. I found out that she had an affair with my daughters fiance.They stay with us and it is constantly in my face, I can see that she still has feelings for him and catch them in wispering conversations that drive me nutts. I don’t want to run away and prommissed to support her but it is tuff, we haven’t been intamit for the past 6years. I do love her dearly with every bit in me, but do I stay or do I run? It seems like she will never be able to realy love me again and it is killing me
June 4th, 2008 at 11:41 am
Hi, Japie–
Sounds as though you and your wife need some couples therapy. Your wife having an affair with your daughter’s fiance is wrong, any way you look at it, and it is grossly unfair to you. If your wife has bipolar disorder and this affair is the result of some hypomanic hypersexuality, then her mood level needs to be brought down, so she has a more reasonable perspective. Then, you and your wife need to seek marriage counseling to deal with the pain caused by the affair. Your daughter and her fiance may also need to be brought in for some sort of family counseling at some point.
I also think that your daughter and her fiance need to get their own place. I would have banned the fiance from the premises as soon as I learned of the affair.
Once you have done all that, I think you’ve gone the extra mile to repair the damage and recover your intimate relationship with your wife. If she receives treatment and you’ve done everything possible, and she continues to have affairs, then I think nobody is going to fault you for leaving, but that’s ultimately your decision.
I’m no certified therapist. I’m just offering my two cents as a guy who’s been married about 23 years.
June 9th, 2008 at 5:20 am
Thanx for the advice guys, I am trying to cope with everything but it is not easy. You know telling your wife how much you love her and then 10 minutes later when you come beck she tells you sorry but she is in love with this young man half her age and your daughters fiance is killing me slowly. I tried moving out but she just say she will move out leaving me to look in hes face every day or chase him away and pick up the pieces