I grew up in a household with mental illness in a parent. The illness was never fully identified or named, yet it decimated our family life. I was enormously relieved to realize, over time, what was going on in my family when I was growing up. It helped me understand my parent more and to tell my family story in a way that is less judgmental and critical and more compassionate—toward my parent with mental illness and toward me and my siblings and my other parent. As a professional and as someone who lived with this, I feel strongly about the need for honest, open communication in families when a parent is struggling with mental illness.
The battle to fight stigma in the outside world is important but can’t be done without first facing it at home.
Growing up with a parent with mental illness impacts children at many levels, but too often the effects on children and the children’s responses are pushed to the side. Sometimes there is simply no time or energy left in the family system after taking care of the parent who is struggling with mental illness. More often, it is simply too hard and too scary to deal with.
In my practice, I treat mostly children and adolescents—but in some situations I have also worked with the whole family—including a parent with mental illness. And even when I treat just the child, there is often mental illness in the family as well. The challenges to children in this setting grow from every facet of the illness—from the genetic vulnerability to illness to the affected parent’s emotional skills and availability throughout the child’s development; from drained financial resources to the non-affected parent’s exhaustion and grief; from instability and conflict in the home to stigma in the community and often extended family.
To manage the risk factors and mitigate potential difficulties, the first step is to identify the presence of the illness and put the problem on the table for discussion. Without taking this step, families talk in circles and euphemisms—such as “Mommy is having a tough time today” and “Daddy is just not feeling himself.” This limits opportunities to solve problems and deal directly with the full range of emotions.
Several factors may contribute to a family’s inability to take the first step of identifying and discussing the situation:
- They don’t have a diagnosis yet. Without a name for what’s going on, they don’t know how to initiate a discussion. Often patients and their families have spent a long time looking for a diagnosis before it finally comes. They simply do not understand enough about what’s happening to discuss it.
- They are too afraid to discover the truth. Patients and their loved ones may go for years watching symptoms grow worse and more painful, but they avoid getting help due to stigma and fear.
- Patients or their loved ones lack insight. Insight is a clear acceptance and understanding of a psychological disorder and the ability to objectively observe one’s own behaviors and attitudes that are characteristic of the disorder. Sometimes patients just don’t see the symptoms and won’t seek help to get a diagnosis.
All of these situations create enormous difficulties for families trying to start a conversation about mental illness with their children.
In working with families who are trying to talk to their children about mental illness in a parent, I rely on two principles—transparency and developmental appropriateness. Transparency and honesty are essential for any conversation to work. Too much beating around the bush or “reframing” will not work—kids are perceptive, and they know when things aren’t right. Telling them that a parent is “tired” or “having a hard time” will fly for only a short period of time. If the symptoms of mental illness are impacting the family, then the fact that it is an illness and it is real needs to be clear.
Kids can spend a lot of time trying to figure out what they have done wrong to bring on the illness or what they should be doing to fix things. We need to be very clear with kids that they aren’t at fault and they aren’t going to be able to fix it.
Within transparency, though, is the necessity for using developmentally appropriate language and concepts. You will talk differently to a seven-year-old than you will to a teenager. The younger the child, the more general the discussion needs to be. Above all, parents want to practice listening to their children about this as much as talking to them about it. We want to make it safe for kids to ask any question they may have or express their own feelings about what is going on. A primary goal is to reduce stigma in the intimate family setting. The battle to fight stigma in the outside world is important but can’t be done without first facing it at home.
Understanding that the parent is not the enemy—but the illness is—changes things completely and evolves into a more helpful and therefore hopeful story.
Thank you for this article. I am dealing with my ex having some kind of manic disorder and it has caused him not to see our 3 kids much. He use to have them most weekends. But he also suffers from poor judgement and it has been building over the two years we’ve been separated. He can’t manage his own life, let alone 3 kids. But he thinks he can. He can’t see his problem. In short, a GAL is involved now and I hope our upcoming divorce gets him to acknowledge his problems. But through all this, our middle child, daughter, 7, has become very angry and blaming me for not seeing daddy. I am mean to him. She doesn’t understand and I have had to explain that I want her to see her dad but he is not well and has to get better. O Lordy…just trying to keep it all together. Thanks for listening.
Hi, Cecille–
I have been mean to my spouse during such times, too. My wife used to handle all the finances, but I agreed to take on the chore, because it was a stressor for her. Recently, during a manic episode, she hid our checkbook. After several hours of searching our home, I found it in a drawer I rarely look in under a table cloth. That’s just one small example.
Living with bipolar becomes awfully stressful for all loved ones. I hope your husband is able to make the leap to gaining some perspective and getting some help.
My wife is currently in the hospital – forced there by a court order. I talked with her yesterday. The doctor put her on lithium and Seroquel. She was apologizing to me for all the trouble she caused. It’s not her fault. It’s the bipolar. I can say that now and sound so sensitive and understanding, but when she was home accusing me of having an affair and being in my face 24/7, and making our lives a living hell, I wasn’t exactly the sensitive husband I’d like to be.
I hope you and your family the best. I hope your kids get their father back from bipolar and you and your husband see some better days, whether you split up or not.
Growing up with a severely ill mother (bipolar) that couldn’t be helped with meds, ECT’s, etc. was so incredibly chaotic (plus my father was a “functioning” alcoholic in that he could work but he certainly wasn’t any great shakes in the “fathering” dept.). She was in & out of the mental institution, had numerous suicide attempts, was physically & mentally abusive to us kids (& my father often got “fed up” & would just leave us with her defenseless), had religious delusions & very erratic behavior. I had to call the police several times for fear she would kill my brother & they would haul her off to the mental institution where she would stay about 2 weeks & I could never understand why they would let her out & the whole nightmare would start over again.
My father eventually figured out to try to get her involuntarily committed & she found out about that & finally successfully killed herself by asphyxiating herself with a plastic bag over her head. I was 15 & coincidentally had had my 1st suicide attempt 3 mos. prior (drug overdose using prescription medication not illegal drugs).
My father was very ANGRY with me for messing up his social schedule as he had to cancel a yacht club cruise as the school said I couldn’t come back for 2 weeks after the OD & needed some kind of mental health treatment (none given) & to be “watched.” Well, with my mother dead, he figured he didn’t want any of that kind of crap from me so if I got depressed he banished me from his sight so I spent a lot of time crying in a corner in my room & trying to figure out how to kill myself.
Had a few more suicide attempts. More stomach pumps. My father NEVER explained what the hell was wrong with my mother until she had been dead for about 7 years. My brother started questioning him as we never went to a funeral. Was she even buried somewhere? (Yes, he had a funeral & people came, but he didn’t tell us children about it or bring us.)
My father said she got “sick” when I was about 3. She called him at work & told him she was going to kill the children & kill herself. He called the police, went home & she was carted off to the mental hospital & that’s when it all started. Diagnosed as bipolar 1 (manic depression back then) with psychosis. But we were never told she was “sick” so we just lived with this mother who called me a whore when I didn’t even know what the word meant & checked my genitals for VD & said I had the “devil’s” blood in me. Here I’m going to school every day–a whore with the devil’s blood wondering what VD is. No wonder I couldn’t learn how to divide or do fractions or locate Georgia on a map!!!
So here I am: 54 years old with a diagnosis of bipolar 1 myself (have had some delusional thinking, mostly paranoia which has been successfully knocked out with Abilify); luckily no violence or abusive behavior & able to sustain a 34 year marriage & raise 2 children (who unfortunately have had serious bouts with depression but have been successfully treated with medication & therapy & are both off meds now & doing great in their careers & lives–32 & 29); but those children certainly had the mental illness I had explained to them & the symptoms & the genetic component so they knew what to watch for in their own case (daughter was a sophmore in college & had to take a medical leave for a semester when depression hit; son was a senior in high school & I found a suicide note–talk about GUILT of infecting my children with this).
My daughter has decided not to have children–not to pass this gene on. My son has not expressed anything to me yet about his having children.
I guess we have dealt with it successfully, as much as possible with an illness such as bipolar that can’t be cured as it still fluctuates.–Suzanne
my name is robert and my children have been dealing with my wife who has BPD and bipolar the kids are 5 know and starting to see .she uses the legal system to get rid of me when she manic bi filing false charges of battery and assualt she has bank rupt us cost us our house me my company and has squndered over a100,000 over the years the fl courts gave me custody and ordered her to therapy but she would just lye to her therepast so how could she help well after losing the house we had to move to Ga. and I came home to yet another false restraining order I saw the signs but what due you do until the bomb goes off and its to late i am in fear for my childrens well being and lives i am afraid to go to work for fear she will injure them or take off again .I have had to sleep with one eye open for 3 years now for the safety of the kids and myself and the law wont help and i cant find any local support .I see on the news more and more that bipolar people are harming or killing thiier children and i am afraid mine could be next if the courts dont force her to get help she hasnt gone to therapy in a year and hasnt taken her meds for more than five I am afraid for our lives can anybody help
robertgenova@yahoo.com
678-677-7451 can you help
I’ve recently been sorting out memories of a frustrating childhood-frustrating because, for one thing, I had Inflexible-Explosive disorder. I hated that I threw temper tantrums,and I wanted to stop, but couldn’t.I couldn’t stand that I humiliated myself like that, especially since I was always wishing I could be some sort of fantasy “Hero”.And since this was the early 70s, nobody could tell me why I couldn’t help throw fits.For another, I was basically a good kid, but my Father was always taking TV away from me-sometimes for a month-for blowing up at him(often after He’d yelled at me)and thus “Not respecting” Him.These punishments taught me nothing.I couldn’t help blowing up.Now, I learned later that my Father was (is) Bipolar.I wonder how much His behavior had to do with my very low self-esteem and my constant desire to have some kind of fantasy life akin to an old Hollywood movie.Especially when I was in my early teens I was bitter and depressed over what I saw as a squalid existance between my Parent’s rages and the kids at school who made fun of me and who I hated.And I hated that I was a child(I looked a lot younger than I was).Any time a woman addressed me as “Little Boy” I’d fly into a rage and then be depressed for about a week.But hearing Dad scream bloody murder at Mom and haviving Him shout at us had been the norm for a long time.But there were good times too, and Dad helped find a boarding school for me that helped me a lot-I stopped the tantrums.
I am a grandmother with 4 beautiful granddaughters ages 12,9,7, and 6 years old. My ex daughter in- law is diagnossed with bi polar disorder, and borderline personality disorder. It took years for my son to finally divorce her, after many restraining orders against him, financial rune, her many attemps at suicide, in and out of treatment facilities. He also has been committed and diagnossed with mental illness, but has actually been granted full custody of his four children. He works three nights a week cleaning his fathers offices, and sits in his basement bedroom much of the day. His ex wife lives in an apartment with her brother and his partner. They are alcholic and perscription drug addicts. She cleans houses and spend her money on drugs and alcohol, no help with expenses with the children, but my son still allows her to come and go as she pleases at they’re house that is beening forclosed on. The girls come over to grandma and grandpa’s house regularly. We feed them, buy them they’re winter coats, boots and much of they’re clothing. We pay for they’re outside school activities. It is a real struggle for us. We have been in contact with social services and as long as the children attend school on time and are fed, they will do nothing. We have offered to take the girls during the week to help our son out, but he will not hear of it. My fear is what is this doing to the children, none of the children in the neighborhood are allowed to play with them. They love school, and the two oldest are in band and use their music as an escape. Consiterating their circumstances, they seem very happy, and full of life. My husband and I are very concerned, about the girls, and we are exhausted with this whole situation. All we can do is be there for the girls. Not much of a retirement for us, but we do what we have to, so the girls see some type of normal lifestyle. Thanks for listening. Please give me some feed back, I would really appreciate it.