By Guest Blogger, Cecie Kraynak

In the course of my most recent hospitalizations, my husband, Joe, and I have tossed around the idea of creating our own mental healthcare resort or at least implementing a 5-star-rating system for existing facilities. The first place I stayed would have earned a 1-star rating, and that was pretty much a mercy star. The second place, Valle Vista in Greenwood, Indiana, was a solid 4 (out of 5) Star resort compared to the other places I’ve stayed.

1-Star Facility (Name Intentionally Omitted)

Here are the ratings for the first place (I omitted the name, so they won’t sue me or treat me badly if I ever end up there again):

Admission: I must have been “forced” to sign 100 papers, none of which I could read due to blurred vision. I became so frustrated and agitated (and downright disgusted) I finally started to sign with a mad flourish of the pen that no more resembled my signature than my brain resembled that of a sane person’s. I can’t imagine how any document I signed in the condition I was in could be considered legally binding. 0 Stars

Bedroom facilities: I had a private room. 4 Stars

Food: Not bad, but I wasn’t very hungry anyway. 2 Stars

Bathrooms: All residents shared 4 bathrooms, all of which were a mess. They must’ve been afraid that the residents would use those removable toilet paper hangers to harm themselves and one another, because all the rolls of toilet paper – at least on one bathroom – were on the floor. Minus 3 Stars

Outside access: Almost complete lack of access to the great outdoors. We went outside one time in the 2-3 days I was there. 1 Star

Staff: Most of the staff were excellent, though one was downright rude to the point of meanness. 4 Star

Medical treatment: My meds were changed, but I wasn’t monitored long enough to really assess their effectiveness. In the hospital’s defense, I must say that I was pleading to get out ASAP. I don’t deal well with confinement when I’m in a manic “high” phase. But still, after they released me, I was re-hospitalized in less than a week. The proof’s in the pudding. 1 Star

Sense of humor: It was the most surreal scene you could imagine. When I was first admitted, I imagined that all of my fellow “inmates” could play roles in a movie I would make about my life. They all seemed to resemble someone from my checkered past. So I started interviewing them. One by one, I called them over to talk with them using the list of names that had evidently been placed on a dry-erase board on the wall during a therapy session earlier that day. I asked them whether they thought they could play the role I had in mind for them. Then, they had to write on the board the one thing they needed to work on (in life). Once they completed these tasks, I had each of them check off their name. In a couple instances, I told them we would change their name for the movie, but believe it or not, many of them had names that actually fit with the character’s name whose role they would be playing.

As compensation for their involvement in my project, I promised them a trip to a beautiful vacation resort on the Pacific Coast of Mexico. One of the patients was willing to participate only if I promised her that she could have her own stretch of beach to pace up and down on, because she had a hate-on for a couple of the other patients. She didn’t want a chance encounter with either of them, because it would ruin her vacation.

When the staff got wind of what I was up to, they sent three security guards to usher me to the isolation ward. I resisted. I was bruised physically and psychologically, not to mention the fact that all those people who thought they were going to Mexico with me are probably very disappointed. Minus 2 Stars

4-Star Facility: Valle Vista

Valle Vista (in Greenwood, Indiana) was like a vacation resort compared to the other facilities I’ve had the displeasure of visiting. Here are my ratings:

Admission: I signed one form and was told I didn’t have to sign it. (Note: This was a forced admission. My first stop was the emergency room at a local hospital, which was about 7 hours of hell. The doctor wouldn’t give me any meds to bring me down – he thought the people at the psych hospital needed to see me in full-blown mania to make an accurate assessment (that’s what he told my husband). He kept me in a room by myself, allowing a brief visit with my husband, but I can’t count all this against Valle Vista’s admission protocol.) 5 Stars

Bedroom facilities: Nice room, but less privacy. I had a roommate. She was nice. 4 Stars

Food: Delicious and plenty of it. Some of my cohabitants complained that the meals were carb-heavy, but I found plenty of healthy juice, fruit, and veggies. 5 Stars

Bathrooms: Shared only with roommate, which is a very nice amenity. 4 Stars

Cleanliness: Considering the fact that there were some pretty messy people running around, they kept it pretty nice, although the waiting area (for visitors) was a hundred times nicer than in the back where they kept us. 4 Stars

Outside access: The facility had a concrete and brick courtyard with iron bars overhead – not exactly the ambience I was hoping for. Residents could head outside whenever the spirit moved them – as long as it wasn’t time for group therapy or a meal. Even though I was “incarcerated,” this made me feel as though I had some freedom. (I offered to sweep up the cigarette butts that littered the courtyard, but the staff refused to give me a broom; I still wonder why.) 3 Stars

Staff: Everyone was very courteous and respectful. They really treated me as though I was ill rather than just a trouble-maker. 5 Stars

Medical treatment: I experienced a two-day delay in getting on lithium because I told the doctor I had a dream that made me think I could be pregnant. Other than that, the change of meds proceeded smoothly and the doctor was receptive to my comments and reactions; for instance, when I reported having night sweats, he lowered the dosage of one of the meds, and the sweating stopped. He was also one of the few doctors I’ve ever had (and I’ve had plenty) who took me seriously when I reported that my mood shifts seemed to be associated with my periods. 4 Stars

Sense of humor: Well, I wasn’t making a movie here, but everyone was fun loving, and we all used humor to lighten the load. 4 Stars

If you stayed in a mental health facility or hospital, I’d like to read about your experience. Please post your account (and ratings) to share with others… including yours truly, Cecie. I don’t plan on checking into any more places like this in the near future, so don’t expect me to post any more ratings in the near future… or, hopefully, ever!