By Joe
In a previous post, “Should I Go or Should I Stay?” I discuss the dilemma that many people face when living with someone who has bipolar disorder.
Lately, I’ve been thinking about relationship dynamics and how these dynamics can trigger confrontations. I’m one of those people, for example, who really needs to please others. I’ll clean the house, cook dinner, do several loads of laundry, plant flowers, take my partner out to dinner, and so forth, just to see her happy.
Unfortunately, when my partner is manic or in some mixed state (of hypomania and depression), nothing I do pleases her. She seems irritated and on edge by my mere presence.
Sometimes, I take it personally. Then I get angry. Then, I spend a good deal of time justifying my anger. Here are some of the thoughts that go through my head during these times:
- “With all I do around here, the least she can do is be happy!”
- “If anyone has a right to be irritable, it’s me – I’m working harder!”
- “What did I do so bad this time?”
- “I didn’t do anything to deserve to be treated like this!”
I would venture to guess that most people who are married have had similar thoughts. I would also bet that people who have close relationships with someone who has bipolar disorder have these thoughts much more frequently. Our partners, I think, may be so busy fighting their own inner demons that they have little time or energy to give us the positive strokes we expect to get for all we do.
If my partner’s irritability continues much longer, I have a tendency to lash out. Somehow, frustration and anger always seem to find a way to express themselves. These negative emotions and expressions, however, simply feed the problem and further raise the level of conflict.
The worse I treat my partner, the worse her moods become, and if this goes on long enough and intensifies, it almost always leads to my partner experiencing a major mood episode. And if we thought we weren’t getting along before, now my partner and I are in a real mess.
The reason I write about this, is that I feel the need to be honest about how bipolar disorder affects me as a loved one and to show that even the guy who co-authored a book on bipolar disorder can have a tough time dealing with it. People with bipolar disorder often lack the “insight” to recognize when they’re slipping into mania or depression. Sometimes, I think loved ones can lack that insight, too. Hopefully, someone reading this may learn something from my mistakes.
The most frustrating aspect of a relationship with a bipolar spouse is exactly what you point out, a lack of “insight” on their part. It can be so obvious to everyone else that they are manic, but no matter what you say to them, it is like they have their fingers in their ears and are singing at the top of their lungs. I don’t know what you do with that. You are helpless to do anything but try to wait the episode out, when the inevitable apologies and regrets will come. In the mean time, they are causing pain and destruction to themselves and those around them. Just when you think things are under control, the meds are doing their job, something stressful will trigger a breakthrough episode. Suddenly, you are in the middle of a hurricane with no escape. It is very disconcerting. I’ve been dealing with this for the 31 years of my marriage, I just didn’t know the name for it until 7 months ago. While having an explanation does just that–explains a lot, it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. In a way, I think maybe it makes me have less hope. I used to think he was simply acting bad and perhaps he would have a spiritual epiphany or something and it would be okay. Now I know that isn’t going to happen.
I am married and to a man who ignores a lot of what is going on in our lives. I always wondered what he might feel or think with the irritation, aggiation, and all around manic times. It helps to see that with this article even if it is not his words really written here. I know it is hard to deal with it myself and often feel guilty for things done or said. It would be better if were working together on that one.
To me, it’s just not worth the effort. My boyfriend who is a physician, is so obviously bipolar but will not go for meds or psychotherapy. His mental illness already destroyed his previous marriage and I just never know when he’s going to have an episode. It prevents us from having anything that resembles a normal relationship. He has many good qualities but it doesn’t make up for the bad spells.
Oh my god, my life has been hell living with a husband with bi-polar that will not stay on meds for the life of me or our relationship. His highs were always fun and not out of hand, except for with money, which I sacrificed because we had such a good time together, but now he has a mistress and we are seperating after 12 years and only now do I truly realize his mental state. He still has no idea and I am in so much pain, to love someone with mental illness is so painful.
all of the comments are helpful to know I’m not the only one with similar problems
my wife had me arrested and then put a restraining order put against me so I am now away from my children and our restaurant i have nothing except my family(mom,dad, brothers) her family wont even identify that she has a mental illness and she is threatening divorce and taking the kids from me what to do?
I see it from both sides in that I DO have insight. I do have bipolar, but knowing what I am doing doesn’t help me. My problem is not the mania as I usually only go into hypo mania (sometimes mixed which is a problem) but the hypo mania is great but I found out very dangerous as I went 5 mos. with only sleeping 2-3 hours a night & had so much energy & adrenaline coursing through my body–I felt so much JOY, EXCITEMENT, ENTHUSIASM, SELF-ESTEEM, CONFIDENCE, etc. & was so productive (& also overspent a bunch of money)–but I spent most of my time depressed so it was such a wonderful time.
But then I dropped into a sudden depression & overdosed & my husband had to take me to the ER & now I’m back in intensive therapy & Dialectical Behavioral Therapy group (HIGHLY recommend that) & we’re trying to get some semblance of stability here.
My meds are being adjusted, but I’m feeling so shaky emotionally. I’ve had suicide attempts before (1st time at 15, but vowed I wouldn’t do that once I had children as my mother committed suicide {bipolar} so I knew how traumatic it would be & I had held true to that vow so what happened?? “Kids” now 32 & 29). This OD happened 2 years ago & I’m still “not over it”–guilt, shame, fear.
Before I was diagnosed & properly medicated (I had been pretty stable for 5 years previous to this last relapse) I was depressed a lot & blamed my depression on my husband as that is what my mother did so I learned that behavior from her plus I didn’t know why I was depressed, but I was so profoundly sad.
I lashed out at him for any little thing & cried so easily & said I wanted a divorce. Finally one time he got so fed up (he’s only human & can only take so much) he said OK, if I make you that unhappy & you want a divorce we’ll get a divorce & I realized I didn’t want a divorce so I learned not to say things I didn’t mean.
So then I had my “silent” depressions…still crying uncontrollably, but not talking about anything. I tried docs (unfortunately, went only to family doc, not a psychiatrist, until the age of 45 & boom, after reviewing my history the psychiatrist said bipolar 1, mixed, & started me on my quest for the right combo of meds; took a year to get stable with 6 meds), therapy…Anti-depressants the family docs gave me threw me into wonderful hypo manias. I thought: “WOW, these REALLY work!” Then 8 weeks later I dropped back into the depression.
Erratic behaviors, selfish & immature behaviors, drinking too much, but then good times, too. When not in a depression, I’m a good, thoughtful, loving, (though guilt-racked over what I’ve done) person. I worked very hard to raise the children with the knowledge that I had a mental illness & my depressions were something I was trying to get help from the doctor for, that they didn’t cause it, etc., but it certainly did affect them as they often had to “mother” me & comfort me. They both are very sensitive, loving people & we do have great relationships, thank goodness they do not hold grudges against me. They love me. (I haven’t told them about the OD. I don’t want to worry them,)
My father left my mother. I don’t blame him. I think my husband is a saint for putting up with me (married 34 years now) & still loving me & being so caring when I’m having a hard time & him not just thinking “I deserve better than this.”–which he does–more happiness. Through the DBT I’m learning how to be a more considerate, calm, communicating (rationally & not with escalating emotions) & happier person. I hope I can make it up to him.
For all of you spouses, I apologize & understand the tremendous amount of abuse & pain you have had to endure. You didn’t “sign up for this” & I don’t think you should feel any guilt for making a perfectly rational decision to leave a relationship that is causing so much pain & strife, especially if the mentally ill person does not seem to have any desire or drive to improve him/herself & heal the relationship. As Sally Fields says (!): “You only have one life.”
All the best to you as you face these hard decisions & circumstances. My heart goes out to you–Suzanne
I admitted my wife to the hospital this past Friday to get help with her mental condition and to get her medicines figured out.
She has not been formally diagnosed with bipolar, but she carries many of the symptoms. Her general physician has suggested that she is bipolar and suggested that she be admitted to an inpatient program to have it checked out.
I have noticed bipolar-type behavior for a long time, probably since we got married 17 years ago. She has never been consistent with anything that she does, although when she puts her heart into it or it is to help another person she goes the extra 2000 miles.
Lately, our relationship has suffered due to her grudges towards me and her family. As she describes it, she is all alone and everyone is against her. She has a line of past guilt due to emotional and sexual abuse from supervisors and co-workers. When we began dating she shared all of this with me. It was a devastating story! It was even harder to see how she could fall for things like that time and time again.
To further complicate all of this, she has lived in a fantasy world of sorts thinking that things might have been better for her if she had never met me, shared all that she did about her past, and stayed with the one she was dating when we met. She has visited him time and time again trying to get ‘closure’ on it and each time she comes back more confused and exhibiting more bizarre behavior.
I found out recently that she visited him again looking for more closure and he finally told her that she didn’t need to contact him again. I think when he told her that, she began a downward spiral into depression and bitter behavior.
I have maintained our household for years. Any time I try to cut back and allow her to have responsibility she neglects it and the small tasks become large tasks for me and our teenagers. I own a business and maintain the affairs of day to day activities including being sure the kids have all they need, and taking care of cleaning the house, doing laundry, etc.
I felt like I was all alone in this until I found this board. It seems a lot of you know what I am talking about. Maybe I can get some insight into how to deal with this now.
My husband and I have been married 2 and a half years but we have been exclusively together 9 years. He was diagnosed when he was younger with bipolar disorder but he refused to take any medication or seek any help because he doesn’t believe he has a problem.
I am leaving him on Monday. I have been in denial about the situation so long. Now that I am no longer in denial I am ashamed of putting up with it for this long. He is usually always in a mood where everything I do is wrong. Nothing is good enough and even when I work all day to make sure there is nothing to set him off he will still find something such as the way my hair looks or something else physically wrong with me to get down on me about. After the fight he always starts to cool down but I can’t even talk it out with him because it is always my fault. His exact words are “You have to look at the source of the problem!” which by source he ALWAYS means me.
In the last few years he has been getting more physical and it has gotten to the point that I dont even want to stick up for myself anymore because he’ll shove me into the wall or throw things at me or slap me.
I know I shouldn’t be having such a hard time about my decision but when he is in one of his better moods he is such a wonderful man. He is not a bad person just a very sick one and while I know he can’t help what he does I do feel he could get help if he wanted too.
I have tried to talk with him about getting help and he just pushes it off like I am joking. I don’t want to push the situation because I don’t want it to escalate into a physical altercation.
I just sometimes wonder if ANY one can stay married to a person with this illness unless they want to sacrafice their own sanity and happiness. I thought that the good would outway the bad but I find that I am losing myself in all of his confusion.
Lindsay – My husband doesn’t think he has a problem. He thinks it’s everyone around him…… mostly me. I am to blame. I live in fear of doing something wrong or not doing something “right enough”. Your comments just made me cry and cry because I know that awful feeling of walking on egg shells – just waiting to see what someone’s mood will be; will they treat you with love or will they hurt you again?
I’m sitting home at 12:30 in the morning wondering where to go from here.
I have been married to my wife for nearly 4 years, she has bi-polar, it was diagnosed 2 years ago, ever since it was diagnosed I have been blamed whenever something has gone wrong, it has been increasing in intensity since we had our child a month ago and I honestly don’t know what to do now, whether to stay and have a upset relationship in front of our other children or move out and still have full involvement with the children and try to get on with my wife…any advice
I am divorced from my bipolar spouse of 24 years. For the last 17 years with this man I literally lived in an on going Jerry Springer episode at the command of his illness and his unwillingness to face it. Indeed, it was the world around him that was the problem. We all just had to see things his way and all would be fine! Irrational is an understatement! I can’t even go into all the huge negatives that I was left to fix from his episodes…It all just meshes together…no time line…no chronilogical order can be found in my memory. I saw so many urgent oddities very early on after we were married…If I had only listened to that little voice inside my head the huge life altering oddities of the past 17 years would have been avoided on my end! I was young and not so aware so I forgive myself all that. As I existed walking through life on egggshells raising our three children and loosing myself emotionally for those 17 years (for the sake of the kids!) I now know that I made the wrong choice. Hind site could claim my life if I dare let it! I should have run fast and far 22 years ago! I worry about out three children and the gene pool factor…I see some oddities in the younger two…to which I hope are imagined!
I nearly lost myself…as a person in every respect due to his illness. I caught myself halfway down the slide thank God! He was in the middle of one of his big life altering episodes when I agreed to divorce. He later recanted his desire to go through with it but I insisted. Which drew him further down his little path of insanity. I felt bad for the situation but focused on self preservation and the need for some sort of stability for my two teens yet at home…enough had become enough.
It was not easy…it was all a struggle from begining to end. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I guess I was chosen to experience that. Today, Six years later…I get to experience the most wonderful relationship with my new husband and my empty nest! There is such peace, calm, a true sense of reality around me, a team environment…and Love! I am not going to guess that my present is happening for a reason I KNOW it is! I had the thickening of the spine to run. Don’t be afraid to to the same if you find yourself loosing yourself. It is their MO!!
Roxy,
Thank you and to all that have posted. I needed to hear that this chaotic life is not just my imagination and that life gets a whole lot better than this. My husband of 7 years and father to our preschooler was diagnosed with bipolar disorder about 1 1/2 years ago. He takes meds, but doesn’t really buy into that he has this illness. He first asked for a divorce 2 days after my miscarriage and saw nothing wrong with his timing. Six months later he is filing papers. I’ve walked on eggshells for years; never doing the right thing. He insists that we are getting a divorce because I never acted like I loved him and because he knows that I am not capable of changing. His family has told him exactly what he wants to hear; that they don’t think he is really bipolar. I’ve wanted “my real husband” back instead of this highly irritable, depressed and self-absorbed person that has inhabited our home. I am learning to accept that this wish will never come true. I am also working on accepting that many things that I dreamed of for our future and family life will not happen either. I’ve worried for our son and having a broken home, but I realize that our family was not really “whole” when my husband was here. I’ve only recently started telling close friends and family members about what I have been hiding in shame for years. Your post gives me hope for the new life that I will make for myself and my son. I never would have asked for a divorce; I am beginning to believe his request for one is really a blessing in disguise.
Dear lnl and all that have posted,
this has been a mirror of my prior life of sorts…finding this site by mistake. lnl…this is a blessing in disguise…time will prove that. to you and all the rest, hang tight, be strong and above all…embrace yourselves. Don’t get lost in your loved ones illness. And yes, I did love my ex but it just became way to much. I had a choice to make and I made it. Painful as it was. I could write a book…I am sure we all can! I found this site by accident as I was searching for genetic info inregards to our three children. This has become peramount to me as they are young adults. If anyone wants to chat with me you are welcome to leave your address on this site and I will contact you. I won’t come back here for further chats though because…I can help but I don’t want to relive it!
I thank you for laying that out. I was misdiagnosed for 15 years. I’ve been married for 10 plus 3 years of dating. I only got the correct diagnosis this past July.
But by then my wife had announced that she wanted to separate. I see the back and forth conflict you describe in our marriage. I did not see what I was doing. But at the time, I was on the wrong meds.
Today, I very much stay on my new meds, see the psychopharmacologist and therapist, etc. I’ve lost 37 lbs., I work out etc.
But the damage before this time on my wife has been too much for her. I only hope she can heal and come back. This is a mangeable condition if one follows the program.
Most of what I read indicates that the bi-polar person is not taking their meds or is in denial about the condition, when there is so much stress and trauma in the relationship. In my case, I was on the wrong meds, as having been diagnosed with ADHD. That meant taking meds that accerbated my condition, instead of containing it.
I’m sorry to read the posting of misdiagnosed. He didn’t say what had transpired in his marriage, but I can but imagine incidents similar to what these other postings have.
My wife was misdiagnosed for the first 7 years of our marriage, now on 10 years. Those first 7 years were so rough that I did consider leaving her. When I finally got her to a new doctor who caught the misdiagnosis, I thought a miracle had been achieved.
We have a pact: she takes her medication without protest and without any excuse for missing a dose, along with doing the other things like diet, and exercise. We went to couples counseling for several months which helped greatly.
A big key was her acknowledging those things which were not “her strong suit”, such as paying bills. In addition, we sit down together twice a week to go over family stuff like scheduling and finances. With encouragement, she now writes down everything and we seem to have reached a much better level of stability.
I might add that we are also much happier and I am glad that I did not leave her. With three kids as well, I am grateful to God Almighty that we got her to the right doctor before I ran out of stamina or patience or tolerance.
It was a rough 7 years, but the last three have made it worthwhile. I see the woman I married and fell in love with. For that I feel blessed.
To misdiagnosed: hang in there. She may come back. But keep staying to your routine of improving yourself.
My wife of 12 years suffers from Bi-polar. I love here dearly but this condition has taken over her emotions to the point where all frustrations are taken out on me. I’m no saint but it is like living with a time bomb never knows when it will go off. Over the years I have learned to live with the swings but now she is in her low 40s and they are such extremes that it takes her over. Maybe instead of not prying into her business of what meds she is on and keeping to that I have helped create a mess that now stands between us.
Need to talk To roxy– how would I do that I am having a heck of a time with my bipolar hubby of 20 years. Living on eggshells and out of the house.Can’t quite decide if I should move outand file for separation I do not hink divorce is the answer since I want to be of support of him Help
I found this site like a lot of you by chance, just as I trawl the internet looking for anything that can give me hope right now. I have never been one to put my problems “out there”, but here goes for the first time.
My wife of 11 years (she was in clinic on our 11th wedding anniversary)has Bi-Polar. She was diagnosed about 4 years ago, but for the first year neither of us really bought into the fact and thereofre spent a lot of time in ignorance. Our marriage had always been tempestuous, but an underlying love kept us on the straight and narrow more often than not, but she sought help 4 years ago and was put on some meds that I can’t rememeber. After a few months she went to see the GP who took her of her mood stabalizer and left her on her anti-dep and within 4 months she had an affair (well two kisses) with a guy of 23 (at the time she was 34 and I was 35, attempted suicide on our daughters 3rd birthday and ended up in clinic for 2 weeks as a result. That was my introduction to the damage that Bi-polar can do. She left me and our 4 children for a month after that initial clinic admission in October 2005 (we were apart for our 8th wedding anniv) and just suddenly one day asked me to go see her and she broke down and said she did not know what she was doing, why she was doing it and she needed help. My heart broke and we got back together – a decision I have never regretted – unfortuntely it appears she has! Over the last 3 years it apprears that things have got worse. There have been may good things in our lives. An understanding of BPD has defintely improved our lives together and there has been an increased level of both emotional and physical intimacy. My wife is, I am told, a Depressive BP. So we both have to contend with long bouts of severe depression. At first I was extremely understanding of this, but over time my patience wore thin and I lost sight of the goal of “being there” for her. The anger has gone from our relationship, but what has remained has been depresion and mania. Since the initial breakdown she has had two manic phases pretty much on the aniversary of the diagnosis. Each time we have got through it and the worst I have had to put up with is some mildly inappropraite behaviour from her with strangers in night clubs. I always accompany her even thoguh its not my thing as someone needs to keep and eye on her and friends just don’t get it and what alcohol can do to her and her judgement. During this time she had intermitant therapy on an as she needed it basis, but she was not aways the best judge as to when that was needed. She found out under hypnosos that she had been sexually abused @ 6 years old by a family friend and this coupled with the fact that she was date raped in her teens made for coming to terms with some difficult stuff. She has referred to our reconciliation of 2005 as a switch being flicked and she suddenly could no loger see things the way she had been viewing them.
Something happened in the early part of 2008 of which I am extremely ashamed and I have defintely never put this out there before. My wife and I were partying with another couple who we had recently found out were swingers. One night, things accompanied by alcohol went a little far and suffice to say she ended up naked on a table being masaged by another naked guy and his equally naked wife. I, in my beffuddled state, made an inapproprate sexual advance on her (my wife that is). She went absolutely ballistic, hit and scratched me and that was it the marriage was over. She did not talk to me for 2 weeks and we even had the dramatic scene of all my clothes being thrown out of the house into the garden. We sought couples therapy and ostensibly got over what had happened. I apologised profusely, but did ask her to accept that she had played a small part in things getting to the point where I thought that what I was doing was aceptable, but she could not see that. Obviously she went into a severe depression which culminated in her taking an overdose on September of this year. I took her to the local hospital, but she needed ICU monitoring and needed to go to a larger hospital some 60kms away. I put her in an ambulance and went home to deal with 4 children, the eldest of which is 17. She was looking after the young ones, but was well aware of what had happened and was falling apart herself. She needed a parent so I chose to go home and deal with the kids and get to the hospital as early as I could the next day to see my wife. She has not forgiven me for abandoning her and still can’t see why I had to put the children first. Admittedly I was cross with her for doing what she had done and I know that came across in m dealings with her over the next few days and weeks. She had asked me for help a day or two before the overdose and I had not responded in the way she wanted. It wasn’t that i didn’t care, I just didn’t know what to do!!
She did not improve mentally and she was admitted to a clinic for 3 weeks on 6th October. At that time we had become close again and I was looking forward to her coming home. She came home in a worse state that when se had gone in, she was suicidal and self mutilating and added to which she went back to stay with her parents and told me she wasnted to seperate from me – although i had heard this from two seperate sources already (that hurt). I was and am devastated. My life and that of my chldren has been torn apart. The reasons for the seperation are that she can’t forgive me for what happened in March and can’t forgive me for my reaction to her overdose in September. Added to that she says I am uncommunicative and I seek help from a therapist instead of talking to her. She is right about that, but someone in her position does not realise how insular they are and how hard it is to communicate your feelings of frustration and anger to someone who is so depressed – why would I want to kick her whilst she is down? She has “re-written” things in her mind and the divorce is all my fault and I am the reason she has not got better in recent years and I am a significant hinderance to her recovery. Oddly enough she doesn’t hate me and says she still loves me (although not like a husband) but basically needs to deal with herself and she can’t do that within the confines of a marriage. The March incident took on a greater significance when she told me recently that she had been gang raped whilst under the influence of LSD when she was about 17 – I was again devastated that she had kept this from for our 13 years together.
So here I am – allegedly single. I have the four children and she lives in a flat we have on the property and get sto see them when she wants. She is finally committing to the recovery of long term therapy combined with medication and accepts she is in for the long haul. But to my mind she is jettisoning everything that she can’t run away from and is only attempting to deal with what she feels she can – everything else, such as me can be a casualty. I refuse to believe there is not future for us and I firmly believe that the road she has to travel will be a little easier if done within a loving supportive marriage. But she just can’t see that – so my life is wrecked and a casualty of this illness. I would point out that she has attendant personality disorers aswell. What do I do? She thinks I abandoned her in her time of need, she thinks I raped her in some warped way, but says she sill loves me, but can’t deal with me right now as she has to deal with herself. I still love her with all my heart and have never wanted to run away from this marriage. I have told her that we are learning about this thing called BPD more and more as time goes on and we need to use these lessons, but all I say is like bullets off superman.
The added complication is a “frienship” she developed in clinic with a 19 year old BiPolar Drug addict guy who she insists she is going to stay with in the near future. She assures me there is nothing between them, but I saw some sms messages she had left on an old cell phone – and I know now that this is not the case. She is 37 and her best friend in the world at the moment is a 19 year old guy who also has his problems. If anything happens between them then I am not sure I could come back from it – but that aside the logic of meeting someone in the safety of a clinic and then going to stay with them on the outside world is irraional and at worst potentially very dangerous.
So the questions I keep asking myself are: Does she mean it? Does she really not love me any more? Or is this the BPD talking and I just need to be patient? Will the switch get fliked back again? Is it right for her to effectively hide from real life and only heal herself in the context of a false existance? What do I if anything about the guy from Clinic?
What it boils down to is my complete confusion as to how she can not want to be with a man who had been and done everything for her and is still offering that on a plate?
Thanks for reading – I actually feel a bit better now.- not really!:-)
Dear Lucky,
I certainly am not advocating divorce on this site. The dynamics of every relationship are specific unto themselves.
I will tell you that I sat down by myself in quiet the evening my ex requested a divorce…while in a souped up manic state mind you. He wnated a divorce because he needed his freedom to have 100 women that he intended to meet in on line chat rooms. It was totally a sexual mania episode and he was bigger than superman. He wanted to continue to live together just as we were but get divorced immediaately so he could persue this fantasy. He had a grand plan all created in his head. I will spare you the details because it is to bazar to even consume. Yes he had been a busy beaver and even had the divorce papers all filled out and ready to be signed! All without my knowlege. ALOT of his bazar actions were without my knowlege over the years.
As I sat in silence all I could do was to pray for the strength to get me through this one. I was so empty and drained at this point. He was cycling very fast and more intensly as he got older. (Changing brain chemistry) While he is still in total denial…it is the world around him, not him is what really was the final straw.
Till death do we part…holds true in a sense because he will always have a piece of my heart as long as I walk on this earth, however, I do not believe that my promise to him 24 years ago meant for me to allow him and his untreated illness to suck every ounce of life from me.
It came to me as I watched the sun come up that I am responsible for my happiness and well being. If I don’t take responsibility for that who is going to? Years ago in the midsts of one of his hellish episodes I had to find a counselor to talk to. He literally had me believing that I was loosing my mind. Actually, I thought I truely was as well. I trodded to a mental health therapist with my journal in tow and had the most informative chat with this women. No, I wasn’t loosing my mind, people don’t know when they are loosing their minds, I was suffering from an exagerated form of stress called anxiety…due to what I was trying to deal with. She helped me a great deal in being able to undo that without medication. She also gave all that he was dealing with several names…Bipolar II, narcistic tendancies at least as well as some form of schitzophrenia (sp??). This was no a diagnosis because he was not there…it was a very strong guess…she is right, he fits the criteria for all mentioned! (Family history dictates more than possible as well) I had a lot of research to do that is for sure! At anyrate, she also told me some very important things for my own personal benifit that I will never forget. These things flooded back to me as I sat looking for answers in the dawn hours as well. She said, “You are not the cause of his illness, you can not change it, you can not fix it nor can you control it. The only thing you can control is how you allow it to effect your life and that of your childrens.” I had enabled his illness to effect my life so negatively, while trying to protect the kids from it all, for too, long! With tears running down my cheeks, I gave myself permission to stop, I was too, drained emotionally for yet another manic high of this bazar nature. I had lost so much to this illness of his…nearly myself. Nearly being the operative word. The divorce didn’t happen the way he thought it would but he got his last support from me…the freedom to live his life as he chooses. He has himself and his world today, to which I try to know little of and I have mine. It is a place so different and serene. I will forever have a sincere understanding of all of these posts and the worlds you all endure. You can only understand and sympatize if infact you have been there. My heart goes out to you all and I encourage you to not loose yourself in your loved ones illness. Look inward for strengthwhen you need it and listen to yourself. You know you better than anyone!
A post from “been there, done that” and I hope it helps. I tend to get lost in disarray when I dare go back there but I think this is almost theaputic in a way…I encourage you to be strong!
TO ROXY: I know your post was to someone else – but thank you so much. I have a goal set by my therapist yesterday to effectively give myself permission to get emotional seperation from my wife and her illness, otherwise I am likely to lose myself forever. I know that this is not easy and it will be a hard road, but its a goal right?
To Sachalbatross..and all posters,
This is indeed an open forum…I am glad that what I shared from my past experience could be helpful to you. Goals are always a good thing, indeed! I wish you all a ton of luck in whatever route you choose today and futuristically with your relationships.
To Sachalbatross,
Thanks for your post. So much of what you’ve described fits perfectly with what I have just experienced. I am 37 years old and I started dating a 23 year old bi-polar female last february. Mutual friends broguht us together and we hit it off right away. Within the first month she told me that she was Bipolar but I loved being with her so much that I told her that i would face anything with her. At that time I really had no idea what Bipolar was but started to do a little reading on it.
About two months into the relationship she thought she was going manic and decided to commit herself as a day patient in a universtiy psych ward (she was attenind partime university studies). She was there for about two weeks but only during the day so we still were able to see each other. She did not go manic and after the two weeks everything went back to normal.
Looking back though I can see that there were many clues that were pointing to an unstable future for us. In the first three months she eventually revealed to me that she was dealing with a couple of strange relationships with significanty older men ( 50 and 70 years old). I actually met one of these guys. Later she told me that the oldest one, a former sports coach, took advantage of her when she went manic at 19. She also communicated to me that she had been raped as a teenager. I considered breaking up with her but somehow she was able to let go of these weird relationships and I stayed on.
4 months later she spiraled into a manic episode. I stayed with her for two days while she was in her mania and then decided to take her to her parents place. They commited her to a nearby ward. She stayed for two weeks and then recovered. After this I thought that I could handle anything and continued on in the relationship. After a two week trip to LA she spiraled into depression for two weeks. Then she went manic again in late august. I took her into the hospital again and unfortunatley this turned out to be the most severre episode ever.
She is no longer the person I met. I have been loyal and supportive to her but she has no understanding of this. She blames me for putting her in the hospital and not being there for her.She believes I dont love her anymore and to make things worse has gotten involved with a 47 year old depressed man who she started referring to as her husband. She has told me that he has no family, no job, and no money but she plans on living with him and having his children when she gets out (she has been clear to me in teh past that she does not plan on having children due to her illness). We are still talking but I am no longer visiting her and do not plan on seeing her again for a long time.
I love her but I have come to realize that her dealing with Bipolar illness at such a younge age has been devsating to her emtional growth. Even after being with me for 6 months she has no real understanding of what I mature relationship. She has completely forgotten about my support and my loyalty to her and has no sense of appreciation for the kind of partner I have been. I think that sh eis still too young to realize what it takes to be in a mature and loving relationship. She is still cought up with romantic fantasies and is now expressing them in relationship to this older guy. Her hospitalization really set her back again and it will take her months to get back into society again. I dont plan on being with her again. She still has a long way to go until she is able to live some kind of stable life.
Well, to those of you who are still involved with bipolar spouses, you are very loving, supportive, and brave souls. I hope that you all receive happiness for your sacrifices.
Robin
Very helpful comments. I’m going to keep on keepin’ on. I am also bipolar. My guy was diagnoses 14 years ago but now refuses meds because he has had a severe reaction to Depekote. He doesn’t want to be any drug company’s Ghuini Pig any more. So life is a scream and then we die.
Sachalbatross (and all you other spouses of BP):
My sympathies, I’ve been married 20 years to a BP woman, who usually does a good job of managing it. We’ve had incidents of her threats to leave, suicide, and real suicide attempts, all similar to what’s been described above.
Robin:
Are you real? let me see if I’ve got the facts straight:
1) A young college woman gets involved with an older man. (But that’s an ok relationship because it’s only 14 years…and it’s you)
But when she reveals interest in other older men, those a strange relationship.
2) 2 Months into the relationship, it she start’s to go manic, but SHE makes good decisions for herself managing her illness (She gets help). Good for her!!!
3) 4 Months in, things got worse. She becomes manic, you tolerate it for 2 days, then dump her on her with parents to pick up the pieces. This convinces you that you can make it through anything
4)6 Months in, you say you “Love Her” in the same paragraph that you call it quits. But it’s OK, because she can’t understand what a “mature and loving relationship is” even though you’ve been so “Loyal and supportive”. and She’s not the same person.
Your story can be summarized as:
older man can’t believe his luck in having a fling with a troubled young girl. Sex was great early (especially when she was manic), but after 6 months, she wasn’t worth the trouble. Oh Well.
Robin,
Ive been where youve been (longer though over 7 years because I always thought it would change)and the comments above about you thinking you were lucky to be with a younger woman are irrelevant.
We must all remember this is a disease and when you are with someone who has it you catch it also.
Your not a doctor or a psychiatrist. The chances of you making a meaningful change in a bipolar persons life are miniscule.
Get out before the violence escalates. People with Bi Polar disease are better off alone. They dont generally attack strangers.
Ever notice how their fine with everyone but you?
Just tell yourself your lucky that you escaped with only some hurt feelings.
It could get much worse. Domestic violence is a very unforgiving situation. Even if your not the violent one you could easily end up in jail or worse!.
Get on with your life and provide whatever help you can from afar.
Good Luck to You All and thank you for this forum
Tim
I’ve tried so hard to be there for my husband that everyone close to me thinks that I have dependancy issues. Luckily, our four years of marriage have been a learning process and I’ve always managed to help him with getting back to stability after a manic episode. Cleaning up the mess isn’t fun, but its worth it to have my supportive, loving husband back. Then the cycle begins again.
We have a three year old together and after speaking to a lawyer I really feel that there is nothing that I can do to prove him an unfit parent. However good he is at hiding his true lifestyle, I know for a fact that he cannot consider our daughter’s well being in his decision making process, and that the only environment that he can provide for her is dangerous. After explaining the reality of the situation to a lawyer I was informed that I would most likely be forced into giving him joint custody, in which case I can get failure to comply for not giving her to him at the arranged times. I could also get child neglect if I give her to him and something happens. I know that he loves her deep down, and probably loves me too, but he absolutely does not hold either of our best interest in mind. He doesn’t consider consequences to be real, for him or for her. He will do anything it takes to hide the reality of his lifestyle because he knows the boundaries of his privacy.
I am generally a pretty secure person and despite his emotional abuse I am able to remember his true potential. I don’t want to see him throw his life away. The decisions that he has made have set him up for a felony and some serious prison time at the snap of a finger. He refuses to accept this as a possibility, though in my mind its inevitable given enough time. In the event of a serious consequence he will slip into a deep depression and suicide is likely. The path he’s heading down is devastating for our family, but its all unreal to him. He doesn’t understand why I refuse to be a part of it.
That last post really hit home. “Get out before the violence escalates. People with Bi Polar disease are better off alone. They dont generally attack strangers. Ever notice how their fine with everyone but you?” It’s so true, he thinks that I am the problem because no one else has a problem with him. In reality he has pushed away anyone who has ever tried to be there for him and is constantly finding new equally self-destructive friends. But his lifestyle certainly has no room in it for our daughter. He has never even been with her alone since she was 6 months old…3 years ago. When I try to take her there and stay so that he can see her he puts her in front of the tv while he goes to the other room to smoke pot or try to have sex with me. When he does spend time with her it consists of him sleeping on the couch next to her while she watches tv. Still, he feels that my being concerned about her being alone with him is mere spite and that it is his right to see her. He never denies that he will put up a fight, and gets mad at me for even considering a custody battle.
I’ve put so much into wishing that things would work that I have recently gotten lost. It took a minute to realize that things had spun deeply out of control again, and now that they have I’m not sure which direction to turn. This inability to decide what is best for my daughter and I is making me crazy, I can’t move forward in either direction. He says that he wants to be with me and that he will change everything for me…soon… I want to believe this, and at times I can tell that he is genuine in his intentions. In our four years of marriage he has always been able to turn things around and take a small step forward. But most of the time it seems that he is leading me on for fear of telling authorities what I know and getting him into trouble. Things could easily be broken beyond repair, but where does that leave me. More importantly, where does that leave our daughter.
This post has no point, I’m desperately lost and confused.
Should our son-in-law divorce our daughter because she was just diagnosed with Bipolar? We knew she was having problems with clinical depression that her grandfather, father, aunt and uncle all have. They have been seperated since last November and she is here at home. He’s in the Navy and just wants to get on with his life. We have grown to love his as our own son and I miss him so much. I have been praying night and day for these two and am praying for a miracle.
Hi, Anonymous–
I know what my wife would say… “Would your son-in-law be considering divorce if your daughter were diagnosed with cancer?” Maybe he would, but everyone would think he was a jerk for doing so. Somehow, divorcing someone who has a brain disease has become socially acceptable, but divorcing someone who has a “physical” disease is still taboo. A brain illness, like the one your daughter has, is a physical illness – a disease of the brain.
Your daughter needs to get effective treatment – usually a combination of the right medication(s) and the right therapy. When her moods are stable, they need to get some counseling. Your son-in-law may need some individual counseling, as well. He probably doesn’t really understand what’s going on. Take it from a guy who was in the same shoes.
I believe if they really loved each other at one time, that love is still there. They just need to remove the depression or bipolar that’s acting like a wedge to split them apart.
Bipolar can really crank up the heat in a relationship and turn small problems into huge battles. Medical treatment and counseling can move the pot off the stove and allow everything to cool down.
At this point, in the midst of major mood problems and the fallout they’re probably dealing with, your daughter and son-in-law are incapable of making a rational decision about their future together. Only when they are of sound mind and body will they be in a position to make this critical life decision. Their decision may be to get divorced, but it should be a well-informed decision. Right now, their minds are too clouded by bipolar, they’re too confused.
One last thing: I think it’s good that your son-in-law and daughter keep a distance until she receives effective treatment. My wife and I fight horribly when she is cycling (even though we supposedly know better), and it really makes everything that much worse.
I wish your family all the best.
Shameless disclaimer: I’m not a doctor or therapist.
Hi Joe,
Being in a marriage with someone who has a disease like cancer is in no way a comparison to being attatched to a bipolar person. People with physical illnesses dO become frustrated and confused (medication)and , as I have observed, can overwhelm care takers and loved ones from time to time. I have never encountered such a person to manipulate, lie, cheat, squander every dime they get their hands on (weather it be theirs or not), continually berate and demean their spouse, physically abuse or become agressive with their spouse, disappear for weeks and return as nothing happened,retreat to bed for weeks at a time obliviouse to life happening around them…get the idea here. I have a huge family and have encountered many physically ill people to whom I love and love me. They have never refused a smile or a hug and always have been so grateful for my presence…long or short. No one was ever “ready to battle” with a loved one. This is not true at all of relationships with people who have mental illness.
I have encountered both scenarios…no comparison. I also think it is only right of you to share with Anonymous that more often than not, medication becomes a complication as they either don’t want to take it or it doesn’t work…wrong mix, they are manic and on top of the world…etc.
The reality of this type of an illness in a relationship is that it can be very damaging to both the bipolar individual and litterally “caught” by the un-bipolar spouse. Symptoms and recovery from every up and down are very different but damaging non the less.
In all fairness, she loves her son in law and has experienced in her own life with alot of family members, this illness and how it effects loved ones. Praying for them is well and fine but if she loves this son in law and sees him as a peaceful human soul, well I encourage her to encourage him to go and start praying for her own daughter.
Anonymous, I was married to a bipolar for over 20 years of my life. My high school sweetheart. If their family history would not have been kept a secret from everyone…He would not have carried that title. By the time the closet was open it was too late…he lived the life of his gene pool and it was my nightmare. After years of it we finally went our seperate ways. I am a very gentle, caring person and years later (after our ending) I struggle with the scars of “those years but I will forever be so grateful to my ex mother in law…whom also loved me hugely and returned in the same way by me, who actually opened that closet door for me. That is true love for another person.
I hope your daughter gets help and I aso hope the help available improves. Brain chemistry is a tough one for science but hopefully one day!!
Speak-Out
Hi, Speak Out–
You are correct, the symptoms of mental illness, especially bipolar mania are much different from those of cancer, heart disease, diabetes and other such “physical” illnesses. But, they are still symptoms of an illness – an illness of the brain. When my wife’s moods are stable, which (lucky for us) is most of the time, she does not mistreat me, overspend, or do all those nasty things that bipolar drives her to do at times. Under the influence of mania, it is not her volition to do what she does.
Now, I’m not saying that the son-in-law and daughter should not get divorced. What I am saying is that the bipolar needs to be acknowledged for what it is, that the daughter needs to receive treatment (yes, treatment may not be 100% effective 100% of the time), and the son-in-law would benefit from therapy (even if all that consists of is developing a deeper understanding of what bipolar is).
Until that happens, all the decisions will be made in the midst of the chaos and confusion that bipolar has caused. I’m just trying to encourage people to make their decisions in a more rational frame of mind and give the treatment option a fair chance.
I have been married to a person with bipolar for nearly 25 years and am still married to her. We’re very fortunate that meds have been able to mute the mania most of the time. As you say, some people are not so fortunate. I hope Anonymous’ daughter and son-in-law can eventually count themselves among the more fortunate.
Joe…not of her volition, indeed! They lack the empathy to understand how the lack of such when manic brings a house down! Circles…Cycles…mayhem…in every avenue! Love just sometimes is not enough to sustain a relationship! I was married for 24 years. I hope the kids can work it out too, but I don’t want the son in law to be put in a babysitter, loose your life situation and get nothing in return…not love or appreciation through his existance with the daughter over “HER” illness and unwillingness to get help.
Chaos and confusion is a constant…rational is sometimes very rare. You are a lucky man! More over…she is a lucky woman!
Sincerly, Speak Out
Wow, Speak Out, I’m nominating that last comment for inclusion in the Sweeping Generalizations Hall of Fame.
Speak Out, I’m going to guess that your divorce was rather recent, because you obviously are still licking some of the wounds from your former relationship. I might even be so bold as to infer that you probably haven’t even started dating again yet. If you have, I feel rather sorry for whoever has the misfortune of taking time to spend with you.
You seem to be a rather selfish person; and for all of your complaints about your former spouse’s selfishness, I must say that strikes me as rather odd. Or maybe that’s just an illustration of your asserting that people can “catch” some of the symptoms of Bipolar.
We who have the misfortune to have loved ones who suffer from Bipolar Disorder, if they mean enough to us, do what we must in order to keep them in our lives. I can understand a feeling of being neglected, or put down for years…but if your spouse was so terrible, why did you stay married to him for 24 years? You said “Love just sometimes is not enough to sustain a relationship” to which I must ask, what more would you have? To quote popular songs, and the movie Moulin Rouge, “Love is a many splendored thing, Love lifts is up where we belong, all you need is Love!”
Finally, you say “HER illness” as though two people in as committed a relationship as MARRIAGE should be do not share everything. And when you agree to share your lives together by saying “I do” you’re not only sharing in the good things, or the specific, particular things you want to have shared with you…but you share EVERYTHING. “Your illness” becomes “our illness.”
Joe, I maeant the last comment very sincerly, you and your wife are very blessed to have each other, your relationship workable. Dealing with the BP together as a loving team would then be the key.? I was speaking from my experience and in no way intended anything personal in your direction.
Nick, Your guesses in your reply, first paragraph, are very off the mark. Frankly, I spent a little over a year getting my life back togeter and absorbing the “misfortune” of the direction my marriage took. It was a road I was ill prepared for. I needed that time with myself and family and friends…to which I was not allowed. “No friends, nobody else…no one can know…just me and you.” I never hit the singles scene, no but I am married. Am I licking wounds? You can call it what you would like, I prefer dealing with risidual. My husband is very understanding of my need to do so. He is also very understanding of why I remained in the marriage for so long. It has to do with morals and “giving of oneself” in the name of love.
As I read the posts on this site I hear alot of pain, reaching out, looking for answers, the need to share something so personal and alot of times so misunderstood to many that they can not look for support among the other people in their lives.I also noticed that these are people that are not only currently involved with BPs but also have been in the past. If you have chosen to stay in a relationship with your spouse this is a wonderful thing…it must be manageable for you as well. It isn’t always that way.
Lastly, “Catching the symptoms” and “Your illness becoming our illness” is one in the same. Means the same thing. The BP in the relationship needs to put effort into dealing with their illness…the other can not do that for them…Lest eventually we will hear the other sing(to quote a popular song!) Tina Turners…”What’s Love got to do with it.”
With much respect,Speak Out
Hey, Speak Out, thanks for the kind words.
Speak Out
You are taking my words and turning them into something they didn’t mean, which I guess is something I did to your posts, so I suppose turnabout is fair play.
Firstly, I don’t have a spouse, but I’m Joe’s son, so his wife/my mother is my Bipolar Relation. I have also been diagnosed with Bipolar in the past but, up until now it hasn’t exhibited itself so rashly as my mother’s has.
And no, “catching the symptoms” and “your illness becoming my illness” are not “one in the same.” Does not mean the same thing. People in a relationship are supposed to work together to solve the problems of a relationship, as I understand it. If Bipolar Disorder is the problem in a relationship, both parties, husband AND wife are obligated to work together to get help in dealing with the Bipolar. The person suffering from Bipolar should not be solely looked to to find help for themselves. As we all discover somewhere along the road, if we leave it to the person with Bipolar to get themselves the help they need, it probably won’t happen. Because none of us have the disease, you understand? We’re like the prisoners at Shawshank Prison. “Don’t you know? Everyone in here’s innoncent!”
What becomes important first in dealing with Bipolar is the same thing that Interventionists and Rehabilitators mention as the first step in reforming a Drug Addict, that being to get the person with Bipolar to admit that they have issues, that they need help, that they can’t do it on their own.
And if your husband, as you make me believe, convinced you not to seek outside help for the problem with the chorus of “No friends, nobody else…no one can know…just me and you.” then you were obviously more concerned with him resenting you for trying to help him with his problem than with the problem itself. That, or you were as worried about the stigma that comes along with mental illness as he was, and you let that cloud your better judgement. “I’d rather deal with this unconquerable problem by myself and let it destroy my marriage than to have the whole world know that my husband has the dreaded Bipolar Disorder, even though that way he could at least get help” It was partially your responsibility to seek help too, don’t put it all on him.
Joe, You are very welcome.
Nick, I am going to bypass any clarification on the last paragraph of your type. You don’t know me or my past situation…you are assuming, drawing your own conclusions and entering into a fiction area.
For the sake of this forum, which would be, should I go or should I stay ,I submit the following.
Let us address the post of Anonymous. Husband is in the Navy, Wife is at home with her parent(s) coping with a bout of depression. Appears to have a genetic component. Mom wants them and is praying for them to stay together…Husband wants to get on with his life. This is not a balck and white issue, little in life is. The gray area goes like this. The life of a wife of a serviceman is not a piece of cake. You move, move again, and again, husband is gone more often than not in many cases. Wife needs to be suppotive of her husbands occupation, be able to handle things and make calls on how things are handeled at home and with her own wellbeing…Be independant and able to spend extended time alone without him in often unfamiliar places. Would this then be the best arrangement for this young wife who suffers with depression issues? Maybe not. So then do we expect the husband to begin proceedings for a Family Hardship discharge from what could be something he has always wanted to be and do in life? Is she asserting herself to be as well as she can be? Is she expecting him to be there and take care of it for her? We don’t really know. Pros and Cons weighed, to include knowledge on his part of her illness, What is best for each individual? (you DO remain an individual even though you are married).
There are plenty of posters on this site whos BP partners have broken off the relationship and left them devistated and left to worry about them. There are also non-BPs posting with various scenerios…but all searching for a glimmer of hope or comfort.
I could go into all sorts of cliche’s for you, Nick, but I will refrain. You are young with much of your journey ahead of you. When I was younger than you a 97 year old woman told me, “Honey, you haven’t got a clue at this point. As you get older you become so much more aware.” There is not a day that goes by that I don’t recall that and smile because it surely applied…eventually. Until you get to that point hug your dad daily for his love and perserverance, kiss your mom for her love and willingness to accept and deal with the things she can not change and do all you can do to keep yourself as well as you can. Humanity is far from perfect but possibly if we all can say I have done or am doing the best I can the outcome of our journey is meant to be!
Incendently, your expaination of using Shawshank Redemption to explain BP hit really close to home. It was a movie my-ex watched over and over with the surround sound so loud the walls shook. He wore earplugs and hugged the remote oblivious to how this effected his family. And yet again I am basking in awareness. Hm.
My Best to you and your Dad,
Speak Out
Just like everyone else, I came across this by accident. I’ve been married for nearly 21 years to a man who I believed was my soulmate – and still is, when I catch him at the right time, but those “right times” are pretty few and far between. He has been diagnosed with Bipolar, and was on meds for a while, which I tried to help him to remember to take regularly (by checking his med box) without resorting to “nagging”. I am a mental health professional (did my education while married to him, and in part because of him), and figured out about the disorder long before he did. I encouraged him to talk to a counselor, and he was diagnosed independent of my feedback. We have three kids – my baby will 18 in a couple months – and we both love them so much and want what’s best for them. The older two are almost out of the house now. My husband’s bipolar disorder doesn’t include the “meanness” often described here – he just checks out. He stops communicating when he’s depressed, and he’s too busy to communicate when he’s hypomanic. He has bounced back and forth about every six months between three or four places of employment in the past five years, after quitting his job of 15 years while I was out of town for work, without telling me about it, and leaving a note for his employers. He also self-medicates with alcohol. He believes at this point that alcohol is the problem, not the disorder, and believes that if he doesn’t drink, he’ll be fine. He still drinks at times (last night most recently) and doesn’t stop once he gets started. While our children were growing up, we had a lot of scary situations when he was in charge due to him dozing off or otherwise not paying attention. They seem fine, but I don’t really know what they think – I’m sure they know something’s not right, but when you grow up in our situation, it’s kind of a “new normal”, I guess. We’ve certainly had more than our share of tragedy over the course of time, some unrelated and some definitely related to his problems, and I don’t see that changing. At this point I am pretty much supporting us, and I can afford to live elsewhere, but I’m afraid that he can’t, and I want him to be OK, but I’m worried that really, he never will be. I have developed a great support system, and think a lot about how it would be to live without him, and we have separated for very short times twice since we married, but I’m on the fence, and have been for so long. I just want to be at peace, and I don’t know if I ever will be. I guess, in a way, I do cycle with him.
im f’n sick of this , this is not the girl i married what the hell is going on i’m still the same at 45 as i was 12 we where so perfect please help me—-i still love my wife after 26 yrs.
hafer1012@dejazzd.com
I’m the BP one in the family. How can I protect my wife now? She has multiple health problems–all auto-immune. Maybe I’m the cause of all of this. I love my wife and I don’t want her to suffer. And my doc told me my BPII wouldn’t EVER lapse into BPI—but the stories on this site belie that.
What can I do to spare her?
Keep your courage and join a support group like DBSA.
I stumbled on this today looking for latest studies on Bipolar II.
I have been married 2.5 years and my wife was diagnosed shortly after we were married in 2007. I met my wife in one of her manias known as “religiosity”. I believed she had known the Lord many years, but discovered this past February that is a common symptom.
One depressive episode, she quit her job, left me while I was at work and removed every stick of furniture in the house. She went cross country to her family on the east coast. I did not hear from her for 4 months. No forwarding addresses or phone number. This caused a great deal of stress, uncertainty and heavy guilt within me. I leaned into God as hard as I could and would not have made it without my church family. I decided to let go of her.
Six months later she called me out of the blue and said she wanted to work on the marriage. After brief conversations she re-packed and started back to west coast. En route she ended up in ICU in the mid- west. I struggled going back, but I made a covenant to God and I went.
After couple of thousands of dollars getting her here and recovering right after my own back surgery, we hobbled along for one year. She left again this past month of June 2009. This time it took her 10 days to move out and left me with a mountain of debt, subsequently lost my house last month to foreclosure.
I read extensively about Bipolar II for the past 4 months and called support groups. I cannot say I was shocked when she left, as these classes/literature helped prepare me for what expect and certain behaviors. It was not easy or painless, but knowing somehow took some of the sting out. I guess…I trusted her to be her…
The suspiciousness, the confidential e-mail accounts, spending sprees, not participating in the household, her severe depression – all felt like a slow death to me. It overwhelmed me to the point I stared self medicating with alcohol to aggravate her. It became a struggle of “Do what you want and I’ll do what I want”, I was dead wrong to be like that.
I started becoming depressed along with her. I had to fight to keep my own sanity. I told her I love her, always will, but she could not return and to please give me closure.
Currently, the storm is clearing and I can see daylight again.
The person with Bipolar must have a strong desire to do better and commit to the hard work of getting help. I suggested marriage counseling, therapy with a Psycho pharmacologist and racked my brain learning all the meds and each ones side effect.
My wife is in denial and believes all her troubles will be gone if I am out of her life. She can’t hold a job very long though she is an R/N, but can’t see she is ill.
I struggle with her licenses and ability to practice in different states, as I would not want her looking after my own family’s health.
My heart goes out to all those people that have been at this many years and have children. I cannot imagine what it would be like for you. My prayers are for you this day that HIS peace is with you, to stand on one more day.
God Bless
I like everyone else stumbled on this sight and found your comments helpful. About one month ago, my dad started dating a women who has no problem telling you she’s bipolar with a seizure disorder. It went from taking her out to dinner once a week for 2 weeks then she was all over him like a cheap suit and has been like that every since. My mother died approx one year ago and I know he’s lonely so all the attention he’s getting drew him in hook, line and sinker. After this, I found out she’s already gotten about $2000.00 off of him. She claims she’s had her bipolar under control for 14years but I have no way to check this out because she’s from another state. She’s already talking to him about marriage apparently and I’m afraid this may happen soon. I know she’s had fits of anger in doctors ofices, insurance offices, etc around here, but around my father she displays none of these. From what I’ve heard she displays religiousity, anger, grandiousity and other sypmtoms that leads me to believe this is not under as much control as she says. When I tried to talk to my dad about it, he got angry and hasn’t talked to me in two weeks. It is not normal behaviour to call someone and text them 10 times a day or jump on the phone every time i try to call him. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to approach a family member that you believe is fixing to get themselves in a mess? I don’t want to see him in the relationship that some of you have described being in.
hi all,
I’ve been married to my husband for almost 2 years now and it’s been 3 and a half years we’ve known each other. I am originally from Brazil and came to the USA to study. I met him and fell in love. He was a guy full of life, loved nature, fishing, the outdoors in general. He served the Peace Corp in the Philiphines, which I though was so adventurous. Overall he attracted my attention for his curiosity, adventurous spirit, and harmonious being. Now I live in misery. I do not have anybody here in the USA but him. I turned my back to my family, friends, and everything I know to be with the man I thought was just so wonderfull. I work, I go to school, I take care of the house, I cook, I clean, and still I am not good enough. By the end of 2008 I decided to research about his mood swings. I do believe he is bipolar. I talked to him about it and he said I was the one with a problem. He is a biologist, but he never pursued a career. He buys things just to sell them later on. He is very loving with the dogs, but he pretends I do not exist. He leaves the house and does not say good bye. He sleeps in the guest’s room and do not say good night. He spends days and nights in front of the computer looking for things he won’t buy. I invite him to go have dinner, he does not want to and when I tell him that he usually go out when his friend call, he says he does not ask me for anything. He is usually happy with other people and in the beginning I thought maybe I was the problem. He even mentioned that I was stupid and could not speak english well nor understand anything right. He does not like to play games with me and if I play with other people and I win, he always acts surprised. I was never told I was dumb. Likewise, I was always a good student and have a good GPA. We do not have a sexual life anymore, and to be honest I do think there is no more love inside me. I am 27 years old, he is 33 and I do my best to keep him happy, but it seems that it does not help. I am sick and physically exhausted from all this situation. I developed fears that I never had before and had a panic attack not to long ago. He travels to work sometimes. He calls me everynight and when he gets home he is usually happy, but just to become the same mean person the very next day. He looks at me like I am a horrible woman and I feel so cheap. I do not know how much long I can take.
Anonymous,
You do not have to stay in that dreadful situation. Contact a battered woman’ s home and see if could move in there. You do not need to be treated like you are a prisoner in you own home. You need support of others, too. Do you have friends from church? Go for the support they can offer you. I have been thinking and praying for you. Take care.
Jennifer, I’m sorry to hear about your father’s new girlfriend. I think if I were you I would have a talk with a lawyer, and then have a talk with her. He behavior sounds pretty typical. They move too fast in the beginning. When they have you in the marriage commitment, they tend to retreat a bit and to become very whiney and grumpy. Try to see to it that she cannot get her hands of your father’s credit cards. Go get her girl!
Jennifer,
You must leave this situation. Look in the phone book for women’s shelters that me able to help you. Find a large church to join and make great friends. I am praying for you.
I met a great guy. We hit it off immediately. We had wonderful conversations, we laughed together (a lot). Just truly enjoyed each others company.
He revealed to me about a week ago that he’s been diagnosed as bi-polar. Everything makes sense now. His stories of sex with strangers. A pre-occupation with sex in general. Paranoia. Inability to trust. Insomnia. Racing thoughts. My constant failure, never being good enough. All of it. All of it makes perfect sense. He’s manic right now, so he’s not talking to me; “It feels funny” to talk to me on the phone. So I don’t bother him. He’s done this before. He calls and talks to me in 2 or 3 days like nothing happened at all.
I know how hard it is to manage bi-polar, as I’ve read lots of stories here and elsewhere. I know that this is probably as good as it’s going to get. I feel really sorry for him, because he’s a great guy underneath it all, but I can’t commit to a lifestyle where there’s not much stability. I don’t want my relationship at the mercy of this illness.
It makes me very sad, because he deserves to be happy and experience love. I just don’t have the strength to be the person to show him that.
When he finally calls again, I am going to tell him this.
Good Luck to all of you out there trying to survive in a relationship with someone who’s bi-polar. I have a lot of admiration for you.
Reading all of the various stories of spouses with Bipolar and how similar they are to mine is very much like reading my life story in a way. My wife of 19 years was diagnosed clinically with Bipolar I about five years ago. She always exhibited mood swings and depressive states throughout our marriage, but about seven years ago they began to get really bad. While we always fused and argued over finances and the usual marital things, it was when she began to take on new jobs and making friends with people who were younger “party” people that it really got bad. She commenced to doing drugs, spending sprees, and the disappearing acts.
At first the excuses were, “i never got a chance to sow my oats” like it was a mid life crisis. Naturally, i thought too that it was a phase, and she would likely come to grips soon. After alot of coaxing about what she had been doing, she admitted the drug use and wanted help. So i get her in an inpatient program and withdraw money from my 401k to cover some of the expenses. (At this point she had almost bankrupt us by stealing and writing checks from my account and hers).
She completed the program and was going to meetings and such, and was sent to a Pdoc where she was diagnosed as Bipolar. She was put on meds, and actually after a month she seemed stable, with only occasional swings, but nothing serious. About six months later, she disappeared again. This time for days, (five i think( with no contact. Even her former work friends that she talked to from time to time, had no clue. She fell off the wagon. No big deal, i thought. Addicts relapse at least once or twice. Well it has been about 5 times in the last two and a half years, with the lying, the stealing and now the cheating. She has never admitted to the infidelity. But one friend that we have known for many years, decided to tell me that this was not the first time that she has done this. She proceeded to tell me what she knew what was going on that she had been told, and even witnessed twice herself, in her OWN home!
She has been hospitalized, the first time for telling me see was wanting to kill herself, and two other times for the same reasons. All this within a span of a year and a half. On the meds she seemed to do better, but would still have breakthroughs even while taking them. When the episodes were over she would stop taking them and have to convince her to keep taking them.
For me the most hurtful things are the explosive behavior and the disappearing acts. Also the way the children are treated (we have two).
Fortunately, the children were teens when most of this started, and in consulting with therapists they understood why she was acting this way. doesn’t make up for it, but it certainly seems better they understand and can ask questions.
It’s very difficult to deal with the hurt and the abuse you have to deal with when they are in the manic and hypo manic states. I very much admire those who have managed to stay close to their spouse and support them no matter what.
Mine i feel is a loosing battle, and while i have no intention of ending our marriage without examining all the possibilities of a continued future together, it has begun to take it’s toll on me in whole. I have decided to look at myself and what it has done to me physically as well as my mental state, and currently see no other way out. God bless those of you who still battle this illness. It seems my will to fight is coming to an end.
I must admit reading that was like a seeing my own thoughts infront of me.. i must admit that i really do struggle in the same way i try my hardest to remain calm and try not to get angry because it seems that i get blasted with my partners negativity whilst her friends get the nice part. you see my partner(flatmate) are in a situation i struggle with she says she loves me but but never admits to anyone that we are in a couple type situation, i fill the role at her discretion but if i have a promblem with her then she throw “we arnt a couple” at me. however the irony is she she will get get very possesive and acuses me of cheating.. shes currently unemployed and i work hard to suport us,i do the majority of the cooking, cleaning do the bills tidy up the flat.. sometimes i really struggle and find it hard not to loose my temper when she begins to point out every little fault of mine from my vocabulary to my hair….
im sorry about that little rant but iv never actually expressed my discontent before… its refreshing to be able to see that you dont have to be a saint to help and be supportive…
if anyone else has some further advise for me that would be amazeing seems i really do struggle
I would like to point out because that makes me seem so negative about her…
she truely is a wonderful person and i love her with everypart of my soul, she really struggles herself and i do understand i just cant help but get confused and angry sometimes… when we were a couple she had cheated on me twice so i guess im still am alittle sad about that….
one thing i would like to say however that if you truely love someone though you may get angry upset
youy love them all the same and try to go on.. it is worth it for love
I just need to get this out. I fell in love with a man who is loving but at the same time I have to wonder. He would ask me a question and then when he didn’t agree with my reply he then turned it around to make it look like I was the bad person. When I attempted to defend myself OMG the things he would say were so very mean and just nasty and he was just being cruel I thought who is this person. He is overly jealous, cannot prioritize the things in his life that are most important, he is easily disstracted unable to concentrate, and has memory losses and sometimes he just blanks out into space for a period then he comes back. Once he speaks he always knows everthing and there is no getting thru to him and then everything explodes…Im a good woman and yes he is nice but something is just not right with him…We had a conversation the last week and I asked him a simple general question asking him to explain something he had said earlier that day about one of the guys he works with. He couldnt answer my question and turned everything on me..I then said its time for me to go…While putting on my coat right in front of the door..The was open however he literally pushed me out the door. I thought I can’t do this anymore Im out. He hasnt spoken to me or anything since the incident. Better safe than sorry. Does this person sound like he has a mental problem
It Has been the hardest most hurtful thing in my life to deal with her. At the top of everything her affairs, hitting me , breaking every part of my life mentally, physically and emotionally. She still blamed me tokk off with my daughters to her bipolar mom I cant see them nor even talk to them. My responce was to fight but went noware. Every day I cry missing my children even though they have been gone 5 years. Now if I get them back I am afraid I dont even know them. The worst in life I am 38 so afraid to date to screw up another 15 years of my life with another woman what if she is messed up? I dont want the affairs the hitting the isolation the pain the loss. Yet its so hard to be alone. My family at the start made thing special for me yet they have pulled back I am so alone.
Spiritually I screwed up and had a few relationships the first chick was just about sex and give her some money then she would be gone untill she needed more money. The second is guess what bipolar. With a screwed up family.
I just want a sweet woman to enjoy life with. Yet am I able to trust and have a normal relationship after all the crap?
Well, I’ll add my story here.
My bipolar ex-fiance’ and I met online, and had an immediate and intense chemistry. It was like nothing I’d ever experienced. I still have his emails…he is very intelligent and eloquent, and they left me almost breathless. Then he told me he was bipolar. I had no understanding of this until the first time he flew into a rage over a joke I made on the phone, 2 months into our relationship. He broke up with me very angrily, saying vile and horrible things that I will never forget.
Within a few weeks he had hooked up with someone else online…within a few weeks of that, he was back telling me how much he loved me, but he just couldn’t leave her. I was still madly in love with him, so I played “the other woman” for over 2 months.
Then she dumped him, and he wanted me back. I agreed. That was in July of 2009. We met in person in October of 2009, and it was absolutely heavenly. Our online chemistry translated completely into real life, and it was 5 days I will truly never forget. He asked me to marry him, and I happily said yes.
Fast forward 8 months…we’ve had some problems along the way, but I am constantly reassured that he loves me, that I am the light of his life, I give him a reason to get up in the morning, and that no matter what, we will be married someday and start a family.
Sunday, June 13, 2010…we talked and hung out online as usual. We discussed our next meeting, which we were planning for the end of July. He said that holding me in his arms had been “perfect”, and he could hardly wait to do it again.
Sunday night, I said something that annoyed him. Monday, he broke up with me, saying he wanted to be single to flirt with other women.
To say I am devastated is an understatement. I have endured massive mood swings, verbal abuse, him saying such bizarre things that they defied imagination…and my reward is that I am now cut out of his life because…he wants to flirt with strangers?
I have been told repeatedly that we were soul mates, that it would take a nuclear fallout for us to quit speaking, and yet…here I am. Lonely and miserable and wondering what the hell happened.
I was having a hard time trusting him after the first time he dumped me for no good reason…as much as I still love him, I am beginning to recognize that I really couldn’t -ever- trust him after this. He keeps telling me that he won’t come back this time…which I’ve heard before. Sadly, for the first time, I don’t really think I want him to…yet, I’m sure he will. Two days ago he said, “This is our last contact, ever”…the very next day, he was writing me. I’m scared that when/if he does come back, I won’t have the willpower to turn him down, because I do love him so damn much.
And for those who say we’re blaming all this on BPD…damn straight. This is a man who is normally WONDERFUL…kind, loving, and caring. But when he goes manic, which he is right now, he becomes a complete stranger, and a complete jerk, as well.
Some say I have dodged a bullet, because at least I’m not married to him. I keep telling myself that, but it doesn’t seem to lessen the pain of what I have lost.
I met my husband as he was coming out of a “bad” marriage. He was kind, loving, sexy, intense, sure, strong, supportive, protective and nurturing. He was wonderful. We dated for a year. While we were dating a few things happened that should have given me some insight to all of this. Firstly, he severed ties with his family. Of course he said it was “all their fault”. They were being mean to him. I can understand this as my Family is very small and we don’t see each other that nuch. I have always felt like I was on my own.
He also seemed to not be able to keep a job. The man is brilliant and a true brain but for some reason he could not parlay his skills, brain power and numerous degrees (more on that in a moment) into a job. He had a few, mind you, but they always disappeared. He was always being “picked on” at his jobs and they were always “letting him go” or something.
I loved the man I could see his potential. He had moved here from out of State and I have a great job so I thought I could keep us afloat while he got his career together. So against sound advice from my Mother and my friends and his Mother and his brother etc etc…I married him.
Our life was great for about 4 months. Then out of nowhere Mr. Hyde showed up. He was still not working but he stopped looking for work. My son started getting on his nerves and he just knew we needed to move away so we could make a life together. I refused. I live here and my work is here so I put my foot down. He sulked for awhile but then got a brilliant idea. He would go back to school. He started school and then up and left me- Yup for whatever reason he just left- He said he didn’t want to be married any longer and he was no good for me.
My world went spinning. I could not grasp what was going on but to save face I let him go. He moved in with his Mother (he had reconciled) and he didn’t call. Finally after a few months he showed back up. Of course he was sorry and he didn’t know what he had been thinking. So I took him back. I loved him. What would you have done?
Months went by. We were fine ~ sort of~ He had changed majors (again) and refused to work. He started getting angry again and blaming me for his unhappiness, he was obsessing over things and dropping them for something else, he starting getting in my face and saying very hurtful things and to make matters worse he started not sleeping and hardly ate. He smoked and played video games and spent a lot of time on the internet but would not take care of himself. Then he started “bleaching” the apartment. It sounds strange but everything in the house got a dose of bleach, He would clean from morning til I got home at 4. I tried to talk to him. Anyone could clearly see he was in pain, or …something but he would not open up to me.
Halloween night I planned a little party to watch scary movies, drink a few beers and just have fun. Before guests started to arrive he became deathly quiet. He then hides in our bedroom on the computer even as guests arrived. When the movie was over and the guests left (because they could feel the tension of my husband, their host, refusing to come out of the bedroom) he came out of the bedroom and told me I was selfish and that he was leaving again. HE packed his stuff up so fast my head spun. Again he left and didn’t call or come by.
He then started showing up to “check” on me. At first it was once every few weeks and it was completely friendly then it progressed to more romantic and then before I knew it he was completely back in my life. Again life went back to good. He is an amazing man and when he is good he is real good.
This past weekend he needed to go to his family’s farm to help his brother and Father out.(in hind sight I should have seen this coming because he was bleaching again and he changed Majors again etc etc) I was okay with that and planned things for me to do in his absence (Shopping, girl time etc etc) He came home briefly on Saturday to get his computer and kissed me and told me he loved me. Something was off so I asked if everything was alright. He said it was. Jokingly I asked if he was coming back and he said he was.
I got off work yesterday to find all his things gone. No note no phone call.
This time I reached out to his family, His sister in law (his brother is Bipolar as well) said that she knew this would happen. She had wanted to talk to me so many times but didn’t want to interfere. She had said that his family had talked him into seeing a doctor years and years ago (he is 34) and he had been diagnosed but he refused to comply with it. He refused to be “one of those people” his ego can be soooo huge sometimes.
On a whim I called his ex wife. As far as he had said she was a wicked woman and hated him and hated me. But I called her and found her to be the exact opposite. She was open and honest with me without her own agenda and what she revealed to me was history repeating itself. She said she wished she had tried harder to save the marriage but that she wouldn’t trade places with me. She said her personal hell brought on by him was horrible.
She also wanted me to understand that he may have another women as that is usually the final straw on these episodes.
I looked on our home computer the best I could and I found porn but nothing “affairish”.
It seems to me that all this time (we would be married 3 years this Feb) he has purposely kept his “family” separate from me. It’s easy to do we live about 3 hours from each other. But he has always told me his family doesn’t approve of me or my son (he is 15) and that is why we are never invited to their house. I think its too keep me away from them as I would “see the light” and demand he get help.
I am willing to put our marriage back together and I am more than willing to work with him on our problems but I can’t work on it by myself.
The sad thing is I love him so much and I’m scared that he was just a soul fluttering by, that will be gone and out of my life with no real reasons or regret from him. Like I’m a piece of trash he can just toss out. I understand being in a “state” and needing to run away but he is killing me. Why can’t he see that? I would do anything for him (including letting him go) but I cannot and will not be tossed away like last night’s dish water. I love him and I feel for him and his illness (which I was not privy too until last night) but I feel like I have been fooled, duped and robbed.
I did promise sickness and health and I would love him and be there for him if he would only let me.
Anyone know what I could say to him (if I can find him and if he will talk to me)? Any help here would be great!
Hi there, I have really enjoyed reading all the posts and must agree that it is VERY difficult to live with the BP1 husband in my life.
My husband is currently going through a very long manic episode, continues to take his medication but the neglect of myself and the kids has gone on for too long. I lost my patience and exploded angrily on Friday. I believe that being patient for this long has not helped me staying detached emotionally from this horrible chaotic disease which is living in our home.
My husband did threaten me on Friday to seperate/divorce and I have moved our of our bedroom and currently putting some boundaries in place to help me and kids stay more focused on ourselves to make the right choices.
I want to continue to be supportive and helpful but my husband has not taken the seriousness of his disease into URGENCY. Is it that he can’t or do I continue to take care of an individual who has a mental illness and is not aware of what is happening or just can’t do it?
The only thing I can try and get my husband to process is that the kids and I are his support and help system currently. I know he knows that too and I am concerned that if I push too hard or get too angry that my first priority is also to ensure that the kids and myself and safe from the explosions of the disease.
I am thinking about divorce…… I love him but if he is not taking care of his disease and keeping some stability in the home that I better at minimum save myself and the kids.
I know I have the courage to make the right choices and always be compasionate and kind.