Jill Ravitz recently posted her bipolar story, which caused me to think about my own situation with my wife and our family. Back in 1999 my wife was diagnosed as having bipolar disorder. Within about two years, we were discussing divorce.
Bipolar disorder was tearing us and our family apart. We argued all the time, even in front of our children, which all parents know is a big no-no. Our two teenage children were a wreck and were probably hoping we would get divorced so they could get a break from us. Well, maybe they weren’t so secret about it… I can’t recall.
We stayed together. I don’t know whether we were just too lazy to take on the burden of a divorce, too cheap to hire an attorney, too stubborn to let our 20 years + marriage go down the tubes, too afraid to break the news to our families, or too afraid of what divorce would do to our children. I have no idea why we stayed together, but I’m happy we did.
I always admired my wife. She enjoys life more than I do. She lights up a room and engages people. She is sincerely interested in other people. She is intelligent, sensitive, and funny. Her joy is contagious. I married her because of all that and more. Perhaps her energy and joy for life flows from that manic side of bipolar disorder. She is rarely depressed. It’s the mania that causes the most problems for us.
Jill’s story made me think about why Cecie and I got married in the first place. It made me realize what attracted me to her. It made me happy that we decided to stay together and try to keep the bipolar disorder from driving us and our family apart.
I don’t fault anyone for leaving someone who has bipolar disorder. I was very near that point myself. Who knows, maybe someday the disorder could drive my wife to do something I could not tolerate. I don’t know, but I wonder how many people split up prematurely, before they even have a chance to understand what is going on and help their loved one through it. And I wonder how much they lose out by leaving.
People with bipolar disorder are still people. They are still just as wonderful as they were before contracting the illness. What’s so tragic is that the illness can mislead us into thinking that our loved ones are no longer worth loving.
Wow is that story touching. I also have Bipolar and I can’t even begin to count how many times I’ve almost drove him away because of it. We’ve been together now for 17 years and he’s been my best support but also became my worse enemy because of it, or that’s how I would view him if something would set me off.
I have lived with Bipolar since I was diagnosed with it at 16 and it’s been a long tiring rollar coaster ride.
3 years ago I laid on the couch for days crying uncontrollably contemplating what’s the point of me being here when I realized my family would suffer the most with that thought, so I called my Doc immediately and started taking my meds, everyday and still do and don’t miss a dose. I do find my bipolar a blessing in so many ways as like your wife I enjoy life so blissfully and try to live everyday likes it my last. I love to be affectionate and make people feel happy, it breaks my heart so much if I see someone hurting or if accidently hurt someone though my words or actions.
You are so right, we are people too and all we need is love…hey that’s a Beatles song.
God Bless people like you and my husband who care and love people like us and don’t desert us at our greatest time of need.
Your a great husband.
I have tead both comments, and I can empathise with you. It is wonderful to fell this way, however, neither of you have mentioned actually why or what happens during the manias which make them the worst experience. However I can appreciate what proabably happens as my partner is bipolar, and very poorly stabilised. However it sounds as if your partners may have euphoric mania. It is a very different scenario with dysphoric manai, and there is nothing good about it I can asure you. They are the most unpleasant people to be around, however lovable when not manic. This can kill any relationship eventually with its relentless abuse, verbal and physical aggression and frequent cutt offs and rejections. There is a total lack f insight and this is the hardest thing to deal with, and a total lack of acknowledgment of thde behviour. I wouldlike to see some blogs written by bipolar experiencers who actually have insight and do admit to these damaging behaviours and describe them without minimising them or the impact.
Gail
I have the situation described and would love to know what you decided to do. Thank you!
The reason I didn’t mention what actually happens is that I was trying, in this particular post, to convey a sense of hope – that if you are able to hit upon treatments that work, working it out together can be very rewarding.
You’re right, though, trying to maintain a relationship with someone who is acting “mean manic” is very difficult. That’s why I said that I can’t blame people for walking out on a relationship or even a long marriage. I certainly wouldn’t have considered doing it myself if my partner had only euphoric mania.
Sure, I’ve suffered through weeks and weeks of being the object of constant blame and ridicule. I was falsely accused of having affairs and hiding money and had to sit through countless marriage counseling sessions trying to “prove” my innocence. I’ve had the misfortune of being a passenger in a car that was going 30 miles over the speed limit and swerving all over the road. And I had to watch my wife, the mother of our children, verbally and psychologically abuse our kids.
Yes, it is very ugly and painful, indeed. And I don’t fault anyone for not being able to take it. In fact, at one point, I thought it might be my obligation as a parent to leave and take the kids with me. I was fortunate enough to finally have things turn for the better before I had to make that tough decision.
What I am saying in my post, however, is that my wife is still a valuable person deserving of love. She just happens to have the misfortune of having a disease that, at times, can transform her into a bit of a beast. (And, to be perfectly honest, my reaction turned me into a bit of a beast, as well.)
I wish people who find themselves in similar relationships the best outcome possible. As Gail says, “this can kill a relationship,” and it often does.
Thank you so much for your honesty. That sounds more familiar now. How do you deal with the issue of insight ? Is your wife well enough to admit to the illness causing her to behave in these ways, or does she deny it, or not recall it. I know people often simply can not remember these situations, so it is even harder to accept or admit if they have no recollection of being like this. I agree it is a devastating illness, and a terrible misfortune. I feel the similarly that my partner derserves love and is not responsible for having it. I too have reacted with words that have been just as harsh after years of trying the gentle touch. Neither seem to work, but responding aggressively even verbally just exacerbates the situation even more as it becomes distorted and used against me at any opportunity ,and totally exagerrated , while there is a total denial of his 5 assaults on me, and constant attempts to rationalise and justify his behavioural extremes.
I am currently in the thick of it at the moment after years with my partner with constant rapid cycling bipolar 2 disorder with only a window period of about a day or two between further episodes into either deep depressions or hypomnias, with no well periods at all. My partner is currently hypomanic. This has gone on for about 7 weeks, despite numerous letters to the mental healty services. Theyb realy do nothing except offer routine appointments. It would almosr be better if he had the more acute form, bipolar one which is much esaier to identify at least and there is usually no doubt, and treatment is provided much quicker. Hypomia, though just as destructive is often left underttreated for years and episodes seem to be allowed to just run on. So much for early identification and repoerting of early warning signs as advised by the bipolar and other organisations. No one responds when I let them know in time to avert any epoisode.I am sure this is due to inadequate stabilisers or a combi nation therapy, and I am well aware of which medications ( i.e, any antidepressants or Lamotrigine ) which have all hassened the return of hypomania, sometimes within days. Being disbelived by social workers and mental healht team , and even family sometimes,during these episodes simply because they do not witness the behaviours at the time though have all been on thre receiving end in the past ,is so frustrating, and have been battling on requesting specialist referrals for ages in vain. Unfortunately my partner is so plausible and manages to convince them he is well at the very time he needs improved help.
We have no children and to be honest I would be very concerned about the risk of passing on such a dreadful illness to them as there is no doubt it is genetic. My partner’ s father is eaxctly the same. Having said that, a good percentage of children do manage to escape the genetic link, and it seems so cruel to deny someone the chance of a normal loving relationship and all that means, including children. It also seems cruel to risk giving this to another individual knowingly. It a real dillema. I would love to have children with my partner, and for him to experience all the joys of life he seems to have such difficulty accessing, and can not understand why all his siblings have achieved so much and all have families. He seems to have lost out so much, despite his efforts to rise above it. I too feel I am missing out, but would not wantto consider children until he kis much more stable. I amm in my forties already.
Currently I am the enemy and he has completely estranged himself as usual. He will not let me in , has been known to change the locks and will not answer the phone at all or make contact. he was totally dismissive on the one occasion tried to call around in the past week and just dismissed me and drove away. I suppose because we are not married and we do not have children he feels he can do this. He is ,however, usually so apologetic once he comes out of it and can’t contact me fast enough in remorse, and the inevitable depressions full of the perceived guilts that often acompany depression, and compounded by the very real guilt about how he has behaved, if he remembers some of it.
So sorry to ramble on. I feel so alone with this and feel cut off left right and centre by him and by the mental health services just when we need them. His family also never make any enquiries or offer any support during episodes, in fact never contact me at all, except his mother, who herself has even fallen for all his lies before, despite having witnessed all this behaviour for decades long before I came along. She would stil;l like to feel, I am keeping him ill, echoing what he says whe hypomanic. She has however recentyly started to se the truth again and started being supportive, once he turned his agression back on her again as in the past. I can understand how diofficult it is for her as a mother, and naturally mothers will always believe their sons. or will try to.
May I ask if there are any combinations of medications ( stabilisers ) that you have found helpful,apart from antidepressants which make him much worse as they always reliably trigger the hypomania. He is only on depakote, and had monotherapy with too low a dose of Lithium in the past, but never two stabilisers together.. Lamotrigine only worked on the depression by making him hypomanic instead and incredibly aggressive within 3 days of restarting it or of any increases. I feel that Lithium and depakote together might be more effective. He was once given seroquel, an antipsychotic when they cuaght him deeply depressed having just come down from months of hypomania. However , it too was only delivered at a non therapeutic level and was complicated by increasing the depakote at the same time and keeping on the Lmotrogine. We could not tell what was working or what was stopping some of the meds from working. I tended to feel it was the Lamotrigine aggravationg the symptoms, and the Seroquel was too low to be effective. After about 4 weeks there was some improvement in behaviour and insight but very short lived once he reduced the dose of antipsychotic, and the team went along with this. He also reduced the depakote at the same time. It is such bad practice to adjust or introduce 2 new meds at a time, as it makes it virtually impossible to tell which alteration is having the desired if any effect.
I really am struggling at the moment to get a referral and in the meantime will just persevere, and ride the storm, but I do not know how much longer I can do this for.
Interestingly enough I have a friend who has the euphoric type of bipolar 1 with classic mania and no rapid cycling. She has not had an episode for years now, though does suffer with chronic energy problems caused by constant low grade underteated depressions and has stopped all her medications .
Although she is much more pleasant to be with when manic than my partner who is dysphoric, I did not mean to imply that it was less destructive in the longterm for those who have the euphoric type. It can be equally devastaing in different ways especially in view of the loss of inhibition and risk taking, just less nastiness and aggression to others, and it can ofcourse change so suddenly to dysphoria and aggitation., especially as the euphoria usually disintergarates quickly.
Anyway, as I forget to stop and eat while blogging, I better go and look after myself now as there is no point in self neglect. I have only just discovered blogs and found it tremendously supportive and less isolating. Yours is the first reply I have ever recieved. I was amazed by the quick response. It really feels like there is someone and many others out there who do understand and will listen. I just wish could say the same for the mental health team who have much to learn.
Thank you for your glimmer of hope. I used to be so much more hopeful but am a liitle short on hope supplies at present. Looking forward to spring. Hope you and your family enjoy it. Take care and thank you.
Gale.
Oh my word! I think I finally know what is going on with my boyfriend of almost 7 years! He has not been diagnosed and hasn’t seen a doc in years. But I’ve been dealing with his rampages and fluctual behaviors for a very long time without even realizing that this is a medical condition of his he doesn’t even know about! Nor his fault. However it doesn’t excuse his behavior especially if he’ll refuse to accept that it could be this or think I’m just an evil c***t . So for the last year or so has been the worst. He spent a few months in jail and when got out started having these episodes where he would accuse me and his friends of cheating and would swear he heard them saying this and that and would become very mean and nasty and eventually leave for few days/ a week if that until he came running apologizing emensily or I hunt him down but sometimes it goes on for cpl weeks more and is just hell. Eventually he comes to me with apologies and begging forgiveness until the next episode. Actually right now he’s having one of them. We moved in with a mutual friend of ours. Was fine for the first couple weeks and he started smoking cocaine again and then started turning into this person I didn’t recognize. Once again. He came in the room crying and saying mean nasty things to me on how could I do this to him to eventually what a nasty grimy c***t I am and on n on. How he saw me and our friend doing sexual things and how he heard our friend say “oh I think he caught us” to me.Then he left. I brought him back here and he apologized to us both but that was brief. Bc he soon came in the room flipping out yelling at me and said he heard our friend downstairs saying how he and I had sex and he was going to come upstairs and tell him that I was all his saying she’s mine mine mine.
Never happened or was said. So he now is once again left the house and sending me mean nasty messages. Then so often thru the day send a nice message but only lasts a few minutes then he’s right back arguing with me about how he heard him say it and the name calling and he hopes I’m happy on and on.
Now I know wtf is wrong with him.
However now I don’t know what to do about it or make him see he needs to see a doctor. Bc I can’t keep going through this.
So sorry for dreadful typing and spelling errors !
Hi, Gail-
You certainly do a tremendous job of describing what life is really like in the trenches and how truly challenging it is for loved ones. Do you have a local NAMI group? NAMI has a course specially designed for friends and family of those who have mental illnesses. It does a great job of helping people develop a better understanding, but one of the things I felt most helpful about it is that it teaches you to set limits and encourages you to take care of yourself and your own needs, as well.
Ultimately, your partner is responsible for his own well-being. It’s noble to help him out as much as you possibly can, but he needs to take ownership of the illness… take his meds, get therapy, etc. That’s easier said than done, however, because it sounds like during many of the episodes, he lacks “insight.”
My partner also lacks insight during hypomanic episodes. (When she’s feeling better, she does tell me she feels bad for all I have to put up with, and she tells me how much she appreciates what I do, so that helps.) During the episodes, however, it’s almost as if she wants to pick a fight, and I often fall for it. Once that happens, it’s all out War of the Roses. It’s tough to hold back when someone is in attack mode and in your face.
I wish you and your partner the best. And if you have any time and energy less and a NAMI group nearby, check out the friends and family program.
Jill, the typing and spelling errors don’t bother me. I appreciate your contribution. If they really bother you and you want to send me a “corrected version,” just email it to me using the Contact Us page, and I’ll replace your post with the correction. I would edit for you, but I’m kinda strapped for time. 🙂
I don’t know if anyone will even read this since it’s been posted in 2008. I’m married to someone who has Bipolar 1, it’s the worst type and he is a recovering heroin addict. So I’m his first of mania he relapsed. He’s been physical and demeaning. But I’ve known him since I was 15, I know his good. He’s accused me of stealing his adderol that he’s prescribed and he wants me to do a hair follicle test. Then when I agreed he told me that I’m only agreeing because I probably sold the drugs. We don’t have children but I have two step children who he can be short with. He’s attempted suicide in the past and sent me a goodbye/
Suicidal text. So I went to my residence and had the cops come. They didn’t take him, nothing. So now I’m on day three of not being home. He’s broken my tv, called me names and a believes whole heartedly that I’m a thief. He’s also told me how much I mean to him. I need advice because I’m guilting myself into staying. But I really can’t see my life without him. I believe in my vows. I need help.
Thank you for your support and suggestions. It is a difficult one . I have not attended NAMI but have attended the former MDF , now called MDF THE BIPOLAR ORGANISATION. This is a support group for those with bipolar or those caring for or closely affected by someone’s bipolar disorder. It has been extremely helpful at times, and my partner has also come along too, less often, but atleast he has tried. I have also read and researched quite extensively and come from a medical background, so I do understand the illness very well also having lived day to day with my partner, so it is not just text book leaning, but face to face experience. This is where the mental health team lack experience. Though I do mypartner’s bipolar mood swings only too well, it still does not make it any easier ,as you say, when someone is yelling at you 2 feet away, or threatening worse, or cutting you off from all contact for weeks or months. I do not feel in my partner’s case it is a matter of ownership or compliance. He is attending his appointments, and does take his medication. He feels he is doing what is asked, and in effect he is, but if the psychiatrists can not prescribe the correct combination or dosage of medication, review treatment during episodes, or even recognise symptoms when they occur, it is not up to him. I belive he is still having episodes becuase they have not stabilised his condition. He has made lots of lifestyle adjustments, which only breakdown once in an episode.Insight is not something he can choose and 50 % apparently completely lose their insight during hypomanic phases, and all sensibility goes out of the window, unless there is an incredibly high level of awareness and insight. He does not take himself off his medication. It simply is not working for him and I can not get through to the mental health team because he convinces them he is well, because that is what his mind tells him during episodes. I simply do not know what to do, and there seems no help any groups can offer. It seems that the mental health teams are more in need of education about symptom identification, and they are unwilling to refer on for specialist advice re mediactions that would work. There seems nothing I can do except look after myself until he comes out of the episode and then there might be an opportunity to talk again about seeking better treatment. I have written in detail listing every symptom he dislays whilst in these episodes and descrbing behaviour but it sens to fal on deaf ears. Unless they see the behaviour for themselves and he convinces them otherwise, I am simply not taken seriously , and his treatment remains unchanged.
JILL
I know exactly what driving him away feels like….I’ve apparently dealt with bipolar since a teen but was only recently diagnosed at 32. He’s trying to hold on but is not far from running away screaming. With Medication does it get better? I haven’t been put on any yet.
i have a husband who is in rel bad shape he has a good job we have 5 children and he will not get help he says everyone doest need apill to live but still he self meds his self ,acholol,drugs. what is the difference? he is very mean and his mother doesnt help matters one bit she pets him, but doesnt want to deal with himm on a daily bases.but me and my kids do i have a 6yr old and she is really troubled the older kids are fed up. ilove him he is great when he isnt bipolarin out-but they are becomeing often and getting worse! i know its an illness but he doesnt want help,he always gets mad when i bring it up, but icant take the physical and mental abuse anymore he has all the worst symtons and i have really researched this in detail . i dont want my children to think this is a normal and acceptable behavior!! people on peobation as he is get drug test for illeagal drugs but they wont test him to make sure he takes his meds tha inall reality would keep out of trouble and they have seen his papers that diagnosed him manic-+ bipolar ,does the state or goverment even know how much crimes, domestist and a whole lot more trouble this would stop, maybe the jails and prisons would be so over populated,huh? i would like to leaern more about the whole bipolar thing,but also i pray that more people realize what a terrible illness this is.!!!!!!!!! it is the cause of most addictions!!! i am so confused,please give me some advice????
Hi, Angie–
I’m not sure anyone can offer the sort of advice you need at this point. What you’re going through is unimaginable for people who haven’t experienced something similar. Fortunately, my wife realized she needed help and continues to this day to identify medications, therapies, and other things that can help alleviate some of the symptoms.
I would recommend that if you have a NAMI (Search NAMI State/Local Groups) group in your area, contact the group and find out if they offer the course for friends and family. This course offers excellent guidance on how to set limits, so you can assist a loved one with bipolar disorder while still encouraging your loved one to take ownership of the problem.
What’s so terrible about bipolar is that the person who has it often lacks the “insight” that they have a problem, so they won’t seek help. By setting limits, your husband will be more aware that if he doesn’t seek help, he will have something to lose, such as your support. (I wouldn’t recommend delivering an ultimatum, though, because I have found that ultimatums rarely work. You need to state what you are willing to put up with and decide for yourself what you will do if he does not obtain treatment.)
I would say “Hang in there,” but if I had a nickel for every time someone told me that, I’d be a very rich man.
Anyone who found this post interesting may also want to read the post in Bipolar Stories called “A Wife’s Story.”
I am a journalist doing an article on divorcing a bipolar spouse and need a participant who has been involved in this. I supply all questions in advance and you would be afforded the opportunity to review the article before publication for any suggested revisions. You will not be compensated. However, you will be able to provide insight from your experience to others facing a similar situation. If you wish to contribute, you may email me at bruceinirving@yahoo.com.
Below is a link to the site showing some of my articles so you can get the flavor of what we do.
http://www.divorce360.com/articles-by-bruce-mccracken/102.aspx
Hi guys, I am currently married to my wife for 25 years. I found out that she had an affair with my daughters fiance.They stay with us and it is constantly in my face, I can see that she still has feelings for him and catch them in wispering conversations that drive me nutts. I don’t want to run away and prommissed to support her but it is tuff, we haven’t been intamit for the past 6years. I do love her dearly with every bit in me, but do I stay or do I run? It seems like she will never be able to realy love me again and it is killing me
Hi, Japie–
Sounds as though you and your wife need some couples therapy. Your wife having an affair with your daughter’s fiance is wrong, any way you look at it, and it is grossly unfair to you. If your wife has bipolar disorder and this affair is the result of some hypomanic hypersexuality, then her mood level needs to be brought down, so she has a more reasonable perspective. Then, you and your wife need to seek marriage counseling to deal with the pain caused by the affair. Your daughter and her fiance may also need to be brought in for some sort of family counseling at some point.
I also think that your daughter and her fiance need to get their own place. I would have banned the fiance from the premises as soon as I learned of the affair.
Once you have done all that, I think you’ve gone the extra mile to repair the damage and recover your intimate relationship with your wife. If she receives treatment and you’ve done everything possible, and she continues to have affairs, then I think nobody is going to fault you for leaving, but that’s ultimately your decision.
I’m no certified therapist. I’m just offering my two cents as a guy who’s been married about 23 years.
Thanx for the advice guys, I am trying to cope with everything but it is not easy. You know telling your wife how much you love her and then 10 minutes later when you come beck she tells you sorry but she is in love with this young man half her age and your daughters fiance is killing me slowly. I tried moving out but she just say she will move out leaving me to look in hes face every day or chase him away and pick up the pieces
This reply is to Angie but may be relevant to all.
I was married for 19 years to a woman that showed the kind of aggressive and angry behavior described in many of your notes. She did not take ownership of her issues and possibly lacked the ability to do so. Her weird behaviors were there from the beginning but less extreme when she was young. Hind Sight is how I know these moods for what they truly were building slowly and unperceivable from the beginning to the highlight of the final conclusion. But my lack of self worth from her badgering me made me believe there was something wrong with me and I should just try harder. I did, but it didn’t help. I can’t tell you how many Saturdays and Sundays I sat at our kitchen table while she spend the entire day telling me what I could do to make the marriage work. None of her suggestions were ever relevant or valid come next week’s battle. So I lived this way for 5 years toward the end of my marriage which ended in November of 2006 when I moved out of the house and leaving my kids behind. (That was a heartbreaker for me) I had to leave them behind because it was still the best option. I got them back in 3 months and the house too. My family lived 2000 miles away and hers was not willing to be a part of the solution as they said it was a Husband and Wife issue (I did ask for help). They still blame me for her problems. I endured at least 4 straight years of her intense dysphoric behavior as did my two kids. I divorced her and the three of us have started the rebuilding process, but it is slow. I am afraid she has damaged my kids deeply. One of the things that we would do (she would do) is yell, argue, and berate my and my fatherly authority in front of the kids. How can I be a father to my two kids if they think so lowly of me? Even now, they understand mom has the issues, this pattern in our lives was laid out so many times and for so many years that it will take many more for them to see it for what it truly was – Dysfunctional to the extreme. At the time of our divorce she did not assume responsibility. Today, she is getting State help, but not until her parents, who allowed her to stay with them, filed a restraining order against her. I have spoken by phone to her from wherever she is and she is still not taking responsibility, still accusing me of abuse. Still not taking the steps needed to get the kind of help she needs. Anyone living this life knows there are no easy answers. There is no advice to be given as to the choice to stay or leave. It is a deeply personal choice and hinges on personal beliefs and what your reality is. Living a life of Hyper-anxiety was killing me and I knew a change was needed. If she was successful in having me arrested, the possibility existed I would loose the kids and my job. With no local family support I couldn’t let that happen. Her status today remains unchanged even on meds she is still very angry and would in a week be doing the same things that she was 3 years ago. For me and my family I made the right choice. You can’t change other people if they don’t want to change.
This is a reply to Dominick.
It sounds as if you have been through your own personal hell with your wife and staye by her despite her behaviour , possibly for the sake of your children. It also sounds as if her comments when aggressive have damaged your self confidence, that is assuning there is no truth in any of the allegations or remarks she has made, that you mention. Have you been abusive to her ?
Only you know that, and whether you were infact abusive to her. Just becuase someone has bipolar disorder does not mean that all they say is nonsense, though much of it is indeed when manic. If there are issues of abuse between you, for whatever reason or trigger, YOu may have your own problems separate from hers, or brought about by her behaviour, But if you have joined in self defence,or contributed then she has a point. IT will not help her at all if she is acting out becuase unwell to respond aggressivley to her. She is out of control and the one who needs help. Be sure you are npt aggravating the situation without meaning to. WE all have to look at this and it can beuncomfortable. It may be just subtle things not actual abuse.
I also know how attempts to get help for someone when they are manic can become very distorted and misunderstood in the thoughts of someone in the middle of a hypomanic/ manic episode. Many of us living with a bipolar partner has been in the position of defending themselves at times against physical abuse, or verbal accusations that are not true, or verbal abusiveness which can be just as damaging, and we have not always done the right thing. It is hard if soneone is attacking you verbally or physically to always keep bearing in mind it is the illness talking or over reacting, and not their real personality, 100 % of the time. It is not always hard to keep calm and say or do the best thing especially wiothut knowledge, information or support. It can hurt so much, no one would blame you if you did on occassion react , rather than respond. I have said things I am not proud of that I am sure, in retrospect did not help, though were understandable at the time given what was being said to me. I know now this is unhelpful, even trying to reason and argue the relaity of something will not work unitil the person is actually rational again, and is wasted energy that could be put into trying to help them relax, or seek help from a mental health team at times of crisis.
It is so frustraing for you if you can not see any change in her or benfit from her taking medication. I would say hpwevr, it can take many months or sometimes years to get the right balance of medication. She may not be on sufficient dosage or on the right combination, especially if she is a rapid cycler. I would suggest you recommend to her or ask her mental health team fir a specialist referral to a Specilaist Affective Disrders Clinic, not just your local psychs as they are often not well trained enough. They are pften atached to Hospitals. She may or may not agree, or uou may have to wait until there is a crisis fir her to see she needs it.
Do you attend a support group ? That can be very helpful in reducing the isolation and frustartion, as well as providing valuable learning about symptoms. Has you widfe had a full dignosis. If not sek a second opinion and review of her medication. You may have to put this in writing, and take a more proactive role, but even though you are apart, you still have the shared interests oif your children, and is still worth yrying to help her get well if even from afar. Her refusal to take responsibility or recognise her illness are likely to be symptoms of the condituon anyway if manic/ hypomanic, and are not deliberate, or an attempt to avoid responsibility. Most people with Bipolar seem to feel this way until their medication restores there insight, and it us purely a brain chemistry thing. It is a bit like being drunk until the alcohol wears off. Nothing can change the way you feel until the alcohol wears off. Nothing can change insight until the brain is actually balanced and functioning. Some people seem to have kess insight issues , and it is generally most problematic during the high phases anyway, and less of a problem when depressed unless deeply , psychoticaly depressed. Most knwo and admit they are depressed, but many feel really well when they are manic, and don’t see the destruction, and have little if any control over the behaviour , aggression or thinking processes unless the are better stabilised and have much better insight and have learned to spot and manage their triggers, warning signs and behaviours and strarted to manage them. Some people seem to develop insight much easier tha others with education, and thera[y and this can help, but generally the brain chemisyry mneeds to be better balanced before they can take advantage of the talking therapies. It can help with milder/ moderate depressive epiosdes, but less so with mania.
The very best of luck. Don’t give upo. It sounds as if you have had a lot to contend with and that can damage your self esteem and confidence paticularly if trying to protect and ;look after children at the same time. make sure you are well too. I got quite sriously depressed once while looking after my partner and had to get help fir myself. It can be areal strain. eanwhile if you are apart, perhaps you and your children can renew old pastimes or start new ones. I do hope your estranged wife does in time get well, as she has clearly lost a great deal too, as well as havimng to cope with a horrible illness, possibly on her own now too, and is apart from her children, even though it may be necessary for their well being even if temporarily. I hope things improve soon for you. I ould suggest getting some support for you and for the children to at least talk things through with soemone who understands this illness well and its impacts. GILL
Currently I am dealing with a spouse that has been diagnosed with being bipolar. I have been struggling with dealing with her swings over the last 5 years. She has been unfaithful to me more than one in that time period.
She was just diagnosed several months ago after one such episode of her driving over 1500 miles to meet a guy she met online (Rockband), so I took drastic measures to have her commited for evaluation as she was threatening suicide when we would fight about everything.
Unfortunately, we did not have insurance at the time to cover such things and she went first to county jail and then the state mental facility for evaluation and that truly was not where she needed to be to get help( unfortunately I did not know that at the time, but was trying to get her help). This episode just pushed her deeper into depresstion and increased her anxiety on top of her bipolar. Bright side is she started to see therapist after that and that is when she was diagnosed. But we have not been able to afford for her to see phyciatrist or go back to therpist so she is not regulated at all.
She continues to seek out others during mania episodes and I am at my wits end and trying to determine what I should do – we have two girls who are my world and I am only thinking about them at the moment as far as leaving or staying.
I can take the mood swings and deal with the fighting, but the infidelity is something that I am currently struggling with now. There is not trust what so ever in the relationship. I have told her to make the appt with psychiatrist and I would figure out how to pay for it as I know how important. I know the suicide threats are nothing to dismiss, but she seems to use against me when we have arguments.
It is very difficult to keep focus on job/career, take care of girls, and deal with the mania/depression of my wife. Sometimes I feel so alone and do not know where to turn. I feel at times it would be better if we did not stay together.
I know the mania episodes can be bad, but I cannot help but feel those that are bipolar have to still have a sense of right and wrong when it comes to fidelity in a relationship, but I confess not to understand though I want too.
We have been married for 8 years, so leaving is something I feel is a last resort. I also feel that the suicide may come into that if I do leave, so there is so much guilt when I think that way. I would try to get full custody of my girls, because of on top of everything else I fear she as become an alcoholic to deal with her illness instead of medication. She drinks everyday,which only heightens her attitudes. She retreats to playing rockband most days to get by.
Not looking for sympathy, just need to vent I guess and write things out. Thanks for listening to those that read the post.
i have bipolar disorder and i am really messing up my relationship with the love of my life. i love him to death and cant see my life with out him. but i am lost. thanks for the wonderful story.
My wife has spent that last week in the hospital, but this time we did it the right way and I am paying for her to be there. Her treatment is night and day from the state run facility and I pray and hope this time she will get the help she needs to stabalize her.
She had become extremely suicidal and it was a last resort I believe in saving her life.
I have learned a lot since my post in November and my eyes have been opened even more about bipolar disorder. I am devoted even more to my wife and to support her through this illness. I now understand that a lot of the behavior over the past 5 years is due to the disorder – that does not mean it hurts any less, but it allows me to let go of it and concentrate on getting her better and living in the present and for the future.
I know she loves me and one thing that is keeping her from really stabalizing and working through things is the guilt she feels towards the things that have happened and just how she feels she has let me down and our girls down. It does not matter how many times we tell her we love her and need her at this point in time she cannot feel that, but I hope with the help of treatment and time she will learn to allow herself to be loved again.
My wife and I have been married 10 years. Early on in the relationship she was diagnoased as Depressed. Boy did they miss the mark on that one. Because I didnt understand it early on in the relationship there was physical abuse done on my part. She would get these extreme outburst of anger and come at me as if to hit me and I would react. Not excusing my behavior. I quickly got a grip on it and can proudly say I have not acted out in aggression physically at her since 2003.
I tried to give her everything that she wanted and even went to purchase her breast implants. Another big mistake. Within 2 months she fabricated a lie that I had tried to kill her during a fight we had had. She even included our then 12 year old daughter in on this lie. The cops came and ordered me to leave. She then went and got a restraining order against me, thus throwing me out of my house and within a week was out at the clubs cheating on me.
After all that she came crying back saying she messed up and that she loved me and she should of never did what she did. I took her back and promised that I would not throw the cheating back up in her face even though it hurt me deeply. Still all along though we would get in these big fights and she would bring stuff up from the past. If I did it though it was wrong. She would kick holes in the wall, she would threaten to kill me, she would wish me dead, and all this in front of the kids. She would fabricate lies to her friends and family so that they would pity her and hate me. I still endured.
Recently she tried to commit suicide and was hospitalized. After her stay she was then diagnosed as BiPolar and Schizoprena (guess how u spell) and given a plethora of medicines to take. Lithium being one of them. However things are still not any better. She still lies, sneaks around and does things that hurts me. Currently she is having an emotional affair with a gentleman. While she does not make it blatantly obvious, I know that she is doing this. I dont know how much more of this I can take. We have 3 kids, 2 of which are mine biologically and the other is hers through a previous relationship. I try to sympathize with her and tell her that I understand and that I am on her side, but more and more she makes me feel like I am the enemy and does so many things to hurt me, with not as much as Im sorry or anything. I’ve been through alot and after everything I am still here with her. I just dont know how much more abuse I can take at her hands. I just feel that she is insensitive, habitual liar, sneaky, malicious, vindictive and can say the most mean hurtful things to me. She is currently going to counseling and we have both done counseling before. I have not asked her to go with her figuring that if she wants me there she will ask me. I am just at the point where I am 37 years old and I am not happy and I dont want to live the rest of my life with this insensitive cruel person. She is constantly lying and sneaking around and because of it I dont trust her. When you talk to her, its always me and never her. I am just caught in a real bad position. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Very tough decision…. Married twice and my problem is WHY? do I choose to have woman in my life that suffer this illness? My second wife is a strong ,beautiful woman but I cannot live with the up and down of her personalities. Sad issue is she does not see this as her problem…..First wife is heavily medicated but blames her parents for her life. Big decision to stay or go., but why do we find these woman?
I just found this website and I can’t tell you how helpful it has been to me. I am currently in a relationship with a man who has severe bipolar. Which is now looking like he might be rapid cycling. I love him so much. He is my best friend. I dream of spending my life with him. But right now our relationship is frightening to me because he refuses to take any mood stabilizers. He has a history of heavy drug addiction and doctors seem to be uncompassionate to his situation. He has a wonderful heart, but is lacking direction in his life now. I feel like I walk on egg shells just so I don’t “wake the inner beast” I know he can’t control being bipolar, but what he CAN control, is how he deals with it. And he doesn’t. It makes me feel like I mean nothing to him, when all I do is try to support him in ways that make life a little more peaceful. It makes me cry inside when he gets so intense with every little detail about life. I often feel like a tidal wave hit me. But when it’s all over he is the sweetest thing to me, and is very appologetic. I am 31 and want to get married some day and maybe have children. I am not in my 20’s any more. I don’t want to linger in a relationship that isn’t moving to a future together. And I feel that if I don’t make a decision soon about our future , I will loose out on my opportunity to have children. I love him so much and see us having a future,if he can get his life in some controll. My familiy is not that supportive of our relationship because they fear I am walking into a life of stress and challenges. And they know that they will eventually be brought into this if or when my life becomes to hard for me to handle. I don’t want to walk away from the best man I have ever loved because of his brain chemisrty. I feel like if I was to do that I would be abbandoning him, and it breaks my heart. How do other people cope with their loved ones with have this devestating illness. Are there any bright sides of the road? What kind of support groups are available to the loved ones who are involved?
Comment: Being bipolar with a strong sense of right and wrong does not make it any easier to live with this illness.
At 20 I was hospitalized after a manic episode and had been married a year. My husband and I have been married even when I accused him of cheating for years, and that he would leave and did not love me.That has never been true, but in the heat of a mood swing nothing seems real. He put up with painful verbal abuse and threats of divorcing him or rage I am on medication and tried to stay stable. I just get mean when towards my spouse when the stress gets to high, I don’t know how to forgive myself or him for the difficulties we had. Then I ask God what did I do to get this burden to carry??? Then I feel my faith come back when my husband comes home or hugs me in spite of my rotton temper. When stress is not in my life I am a giving, loving,nuturiing person. BUT YOU MUST REALIZE THAT BIPOLAR DISORDER CAN MAKE ME HATE MYSELF BECAUSE IT IS HARD AND UNFAIR!
Marriage and life must be lived one day at a time. Should you stay or go? That is up yo you. How you can take is not known. Then again having bipolar disorder makes it hard to love yourself and even harder to love another person. We all have to go on and hope and faith and love makes this illness easier to live with.
It’s hard to cope with bipolar disorder. My daughter is bipolar. It’s been hard on our family. She is 20yrs old but sometimes acts more like she’s ten. It’s so frustrating at times.
Hi everyone,
What a fantastic and helpful wedsite.
Can I ask, for those who have children with a Bipolar parent, how does this effect the children.
How do the children cope???
Hi, Jess–
I’m sure it varies. We have two mostly grown children – 19 and 22 years of age. My wife has bipolar. (Actually, we joke about having a bipolar relationship; she’s manic, and I’m depressed, because I’m the bass to her alto, so to speak.)
Our “kids” managed to fare pretty well so far. We had some rough times, especially when we didn’t really understand what was going on. (This was probably when our daughter was about 10 and our son 13.) Several dinners were nightmares – everyone yelling at one another, crying, slamming doors. None of that can be a good thing.
Our family managed to stick together. There’s still some lingering bitterness, I think. Maybe the kids aren’t quite as confident as they would have been, I dunno. I do think both of our children are stronger individuals for having experienced what they did. Hopefully, they’ll be a little more understanding and accepting of mental illness.
I think they also view “normal” families as boring. When they have time, they come home. Sometimes I shake my head, wondering why. I think they’d want to get as far away as possible, but they seem to be drawn back. They seem to like to spend time with us.
One thing I would (and do to some extent) worry about is that if they have “the bipolar gene,” have the stresses of having grown up with a bipolar parent (and another parent who didn’t react to it very well at first), make them more susceptible to acquiring full-blown bipolar. Of course, I’ll never know, but it concerns me a bit.
For anyone in this situation, I would encourage them to get counseling for their kids at an early age. The younger they can begin understanding what’s going on, the better able they’ll be to cope with it, I think.
Hi!
I am new to the site, and I love your inspiring words, I can feel your care. Thank you for that. Me and my boyfriend both have Bipolar – it’s rapid cycling all in itself, I call it double bipolar. My bf is more resistant to taking meds, and he has manic episodes, and goes on runs, I call it that. it’s like I have terms for everything now.
But I still try to smile, live life, do my work which is hard because I am in PhD program i9n clinical psych, work, teach, see clients.
I try to take care of myself but I feel almost codependent trying to help my boyfriend. I will appreciate anyone’s reply. I just found this site, and I love it, already added it to favorites.
P.S. Don’t take it as intrusive but if you might help me with my biggest headache right now, i will greatly appreciate it. I am doing major research that has never been done before and it’s very hard to invite people to participate because I myself have Bipolar and have Bipolar bf so I know how sensitive it is. But if, maybe,
it’s at http://psyresearch.org/bipolar and password is bipolar3 (confidential, voluntary, and will take about 15-25 minutes)So anyone dating/married and living together for at least 6 months with a loved one with Bipolar, please help if you can.
No matter what, love top hear from anyone! Sending hugs and support!
I was diagnosed with bipolar in February of this year, and it took 3 months of meds to finally stabilize me. I am on zoloft and lamictal and they have kept me happy and stable for the last month. My husband of 3 years and I were so happy and relieved that there was an explanation for all of my behaviors over the course of our relationship and marriage. Apparently I was not a rapid cycler and my manias/depressions were getting much worse during my college years when I met him. I know he is totally wrong for me in that we have absolutely nothing in common and has been somewhat unsupportive, as he’s 90 percent grad school focused and I get the left over 10 percent. He’s also disrespectful and corrects everything I say, and has always been that way, but I suppose I overlooked it or didn’t care b/c I was either manic or depressed. Needless to say, I believe I chose to start dating him and decided to marry him when I was mentally ill. He is stable, and I felt I needed that at the time. Is anyone else out there experiencing the same situation? It is really frustrating to know that I would have probably chosen a totally different spouse if I had been well. My parents always asked me what I saw him, and I could only say he loves me, and he’s smart. I am so happy to be stable now, but unfortunately, nos that I have a clear head, I am down about my marriage. I have tried explaining this to him in a sweet way…trying to ask him what we could do together and explain the hurt I feel he always corrects me, but he says that the way he is, and he doesn’t want to talk about it. We are going in together to talk w/ my tdoc and hopefully she can shed some light on the situation. Thanks for listening and looking forward to your advice/replies.
She hasn’t got bi polar that bad, that’s what we tell ourselves.
Some days I think she doesn’t love me; surely a loving person wouldn’t be so abusive. Yet I love her and would never want to betray her which is why it is hard cause I can’t talk to anyone, I just have to bottle up all my hurts until it feels like it’s killing from the inside.
I’m in a relationship with a bi polar woman. I’ve known her for 14 years but started the relationship about two years ago. So we’ve a long term friendship which is one of the things that keeps us together. It has been a bit of a roller coaster ride but mostly good. I love her more than I’ve ever loved anyone. But I feel like I get drawn in and when everything is going well she then does or says something hurtful. I feel that each time my love gets to new heights it is cut down again.
Being from a small Australian town I smile and say hi to anyone who says hi to me. She is from the city and considers it strange. The other day in the supermarket some woman said hi to me and I said hi back. About 5 minutes later my partner threw a toilet roll at me and stormed off making a big scene. I was sad and hurt. She sort of said she was sorry but then went on and on about how small town people don’t behave properly. She asked how I felt, if I was hurt or needed to talk. But as I started it went back to small town people not acting in a proper way. She then left the room. I walked out to follow her and she had shut the bathroom door and had started a shower. I felt enraged and disrespected as if I was a dumb country hick and then I punched a filing cabinet and stormed off myself. I spent the rest of the day just wandering around aimlessly feeling hurt and ashamed of what I had done.
She was leaving for a week interstate so we made up, I did want her to leave upset. While making up she voiced all her hurts about the damage of filing cabinet and being afraid of me. I remained silent.
The following day I wondered if I should break up, but I don’t want to. I wondered if we could go back to being close friends. I think this way when things have been bad and we separate for a few days. Until I get a text or phone call that reassures me of her love.
So is it wrong to say hi to people in the street?
My husband of 21 years is bipolar but is off his medication and refuses to believe there is anything wrong with him. 8 years ago we joined a club and it has become his life. He plays tennis, volley ball, runs an hour on the treadmill, does weights and looks great for a 54 year old man. 6 years ago he discovered women, had a long sexual and emotional affair and then cut her off with no closure. I found out about it and tried to move on, I joined the gym, lost 50 lbs and look great. He believes he is God’s gift to women, and actively pursues them. After the gym, he hits the bar every night, he has dumped his family and I put up with it for six years. In the last year, we went out together on events: anniversary, valentines, mother day but the rest of the time he was with his friends drinking and frolicking with women. Our daughter is failing in school and has emotional problems. Our son says he is a dhead. When I say something, he gets mad and cuts me off. 6 weeks ago I caught him laughing and frolicking with two gorgeous Russian women in the pool – they were working girls. He was arguing over the price and said to his friends Like it or Leave It. I overhead everything. His friends couldn’t make eye contact with me. That night I sent him a message saying Like It Or Leave It – thanks I leave it – since then he refuses to speak to me. I love him dearly but his bipolar is driving me crazy. I have enough, yet I still want him back, I want the man I married back. Right now he hates me – he told his brother I am talking to everyone at the club and ruining his reputation when I haven’t spoken to anyone. He hates me. HELP
gosh, there were so many responses to your mail that I can’t remember the title of you letter. anyway, I hope your wife saw the nice things you said about her cause any woman would want to see that. also, marriage is difficult no matter what disorders are involved! hang in there and glad you have hung in there. it speaks volumes to you kids and they are benefitting from you marriage. lisa
I’ve just read this site from Jan. 08 to Aug. 09. Your stories are so sad and familiar. My husband of 28 years is bipolar and last week I told him I will not put up with his abuse any more. My advice to those of you who are not yet married to your bipolar partners is that you do not marry them and move on. Because of the disorder, they will not be able to give you what you desire in a union and you will be mentally and physically drained and quite possibly financially ruined. I was especially touched by Melissa’s comments. I know no one chose to have this disorder, and I’m sorry that anyone does. http://www.NAMI.org is a great support. Blessings to you.
I am bi polar and diagnosed since 1993. I always knew something was wrong with me since i was five years old. now 53. I never fit in anywhere. I am cycling more rapid now. smiling living, good job, great family not perfect. even while smiling and having fun my brain says die die. Even feeling down and low my brain says die die. I don’t commit infidelity, have a great supporting spouse but when i am really depressed my mind is absent, body immobilized, like i am just watching life go back with no reaction. it is very scary. i thank God i am still here and think a lot about my family when i get suicidal thoughts. But often when i am manic i don’t think about anything but dying because the pain is unbearable. Depression does not discriminate. I am on meds (have been on so manyh to try to stabilize) but often feel depression breaks though. Always reading about mental illness and break throughs and how other illnesses affect bi polar or close to bi polar.
Thats a good story. When you say you wonder if anyone every splits up prematurely before they can understand whats going… well i may be one of those people.
I am 18 years old and my husband Luke is 19. I got pregnant with my son when I was 17. During my entire pregnancy he would go through “spells” where he wouldnt talk to anyone, sleep all day long, he was so anxious he was sick. Also, during my pregnancy his parents went through a divorce (both remarried), him and his brother moved in with his grandmother and later his brother moved in with his dad and he moved in with his aunt.
A few months later, his mom met someone over the internet and moved to Thailand with him.
Luke joined the Air Force and left in January.
His brother moved to Thailand with his mom and her new husband.
Luke graduated Basic Training in March and we got married the day of graduation…
My family never liked Luke, so they never supported any decisions we ever made together. Luke graduates Tech. Training the 28th. We are supposed to be moving to North Dakota, but all of a sudden things change. .
He completely stops talking to me and the rest of his family. We have been married for only 4 months and he lives 1000 miles away from me right now. He isnt cheating-that is something we all know. He is having trouble in school, and he went to a counseler and they told him he was stressed out and alot of it had to do with his childhood and his past.
Its been hard for me to leave him alone. Obviously he wants to be left alone, but I dont know how. I miss him so much!! No matter what I tell him, or anyone tells him, it doesnt seem to do anything. He seems depressed-BAD. And he is always spending our money. 2 weeks ago he took out $630.00 of our account!!
I read that stress and sudden life changes can trigger bipolar disorder. His dad is bipolar and that was one reason his parents split after married for 20 years.
Last week he told me I couldnt be with someone like him… he wont admit to having bipolar, and I cant say anything about it or he will get mad! Im limited to what I can say, especially since I am 1000 miles away from him… and have been ever since we got married. He wants to separate just because he cant handle the stress.. but we dont know what its like to even be married.
He gets paid in 2 days and graduates school in 15!!
Is my marriage worth flying out there to see him grad. and riding back with him before the move.??
I dont even know if im moving.
Was married to my wife for 23yrs, noticed from the beginning how she put herself down, told people stories about me to make others feel sorry for her etc. but being young and naive thought little of it.
It was only the last 2 yrs of our marriage it went off the chart, hinting to others of abuse (that is so far from my character and was applaud of such horrible accusations), I stated believing that i was the problem and that i needed to do something. In a conversation to her sister made that comment and she said “wow, its about time i said something; women would kill for a husband like you and to be honest don’t know how you put up with her outburst and put downs (i was applaud at such honesty). My wife found out i talked to her and then started telling everyone i was having an affair with her sister and then asked me to leave our house. I slepted in my office then a trailer in the parking lot.
After a couple of months she asked me over and when i went to leave said i could stay the night (what a mistake that would devastate my life). As it had been two months from any intimacy asked if she wouldn’t mind and she said nothing; upon approach started yelling rape, scared me to death and thought my kids would hear this and would again put me in a bad light; so out of instinct put my hand up toward her mouth and said stop that. She bite my hand and would not let go, i literally had to pry her teeth open to get my hand out and was in shock!
She kept yelling and finally our oldest daughter came in and she told her to call 911 and that started the nightmare of my life; facing 10 yrs to life for attempted rape…jail and all the trauma of that and my kids who turned against me for several years.
It has now been 5 yrs we are divorced and although i have had other relationships with women they have made comments that i still care about my ex and cannot compete. I was so loyal but although a pillar of the community and well off have lost most everything. Have rebuilt the business but in this economy isn’t saying much; she had a great lawyer and took me for what the state didn’t. Tuff part is on the occasions i am around her, which is rare; i know she still cares as well but says nothing.
I have been to counseling etc. and am alot better as far as my own security, but in all honesty want companionship but have trust issues.