NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) has a NAMI’s Family-to-Family Program – a free, 12-week course for family caregivers of individuals with severe mental illnesses. Several years ago, when I had my first encounter with bipolar disorder in my family, I enrolled in the program and found it very helpful.
While the program devotes a great deal of time and resources to helping family members develop a sense of empathy with those who have a mental illness (including bipolar disorder or schizophrenia), the program also encourages families to establish well-defined boundaries and “communicate undebatable harsh consequences if the boundaries are violated.” Boundaries are beneficial for everyone involved, because they establish the house rules for maintaining safety and some degree of order and calm.
While I was doing some research on boundaries, I came across an article on the NAMI website by Kathy Bayes, entitled “Setting Boundaries in a Marriage Complicated by Mental Illness.” Please read the article and then come back here and post a comment to share your opinion of it and your insights and experiences related to the topic of setting boundaries.
Hi,
I am interested in ways for family and friends to cope with bipolars, and will search for that aspect in your book. I’ve recently published a small book (The Crashing Ego) in which I discuss the ego connection to bipolar, hoping that this perspective can help in understanding some of the bipolar behavior.
Hi Dr. Fink,
I just wanted to refer you to this additional resource that can help family members of bipolar individuals understand them and their needs. The book is Living Out of Darkness: a personal journey of embracing the bipolar opportunity, by my friend George Denslow (I’ve included his e-mail above). It’s a thin, highly readable book designed for bipolar individuals and their loved ones, by someone with bipolar, and illustrates Denslow’s personal journey of learning to manage his bipolar without medication through a holistic spiritual approach. You can learn more about him and read his blog, as well as order the book if you’re interested, here: http://www.LivingOutofDarkness.com
Kathy Bane, most of what you say in your book, I agree with. The line that says if a woman is home alone, she MUST work. that statement does not represent the bipolar patient. Some are able and some are not able even through numerous tries.I am on SSD after over 20 years of hard attempts to be employed. Sorry I don’t fit you mold. trooper
Hi, Lisa–
Kathy was referring to the WS – the Well Spouse must get a job to support the family (assuming the family is not independently wealthy). That line confused me at first, too. I had to re-read it to make sure who she was referring to.
Also, she probably should have said that “if the well spouse is not working, he or she must get a job….” In today’s world, it’s becoming more and more common for the woman to be the breadwinner and the man to stay at home with the kids.
Posted: Thu Aug 20, 2009 3:59 pm Post subject: bi polar
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Let me take sides here. I am a husband of 15 years whom has delt with this disorder. I have been through it all from divorce (and re-marrige) to waking up and having to call the 911 beacuse of the suicidal tendencies. From my point of view you have to make a commitment, life long commitment, to this life. I for one think marrige is forever and have stuck with it. The craziness NEVER goes away. There are good times and bad (very bad). We have been to specialist one after another. She has been on all the meds of varring doses. Nothing has worked to this point. In my ever to be humble opinion I believe that there is no hope for you and you will never be happy. You just need to pray for someone to help you GET through the bad times…..
Perhapse there is in the future some miracle drug that has yet to be discovered. But for now I hope you are prayed up and have the LOVE of God deep within your bosom, otherwise run just run for your lives!!!!!
Bill Smith, thank you for clearing that up. Makes more sense now.
What’s weird for me is that I am the “MIS” in the marriage yet I feel more like the “MS”. I have bipolar disorder and I take medication for it and I have my ups and downs, but I am basically normal on the medication. My husband probably has an undiagnosed mental illness, either bipolar disorder or OCD. I do a lot of things mentioned on the boundaries document, such as paying the bills, doing income taxes, sorting the mail, taking charge of home maintenance, etc.
First of all the labeling of a mentally illperson as a MIS and the Well person as a WS, I found infuriating. The MIS sounds at the get go like a loser, which a mentally ill person doesn’t have to be.
The whole article treats the MIS like a total loser, which many of us aren’t. We can handle our taxes,take care of our cars, and are not abusive to our wifes. On medication we function quite normally. The setting of boundaries is a two-way street. This article is a one way street, where the WS is in control of everything. The MIS is a mindlessstuge. I have seen situations like this where the WS has the MIS in their total controland it is a sad situation to behold. The WS has the MIS medicated to the point of stupor, therefore there is no threatand there is no life.
I don’t disagree with boundaries. There should be no violence, no threats, and no abuse, but the MIS who gives total control to the WS is a fool. Boundaries have two sides
I pay the bills, or else they would all be hopelessly late. I do the taxes- my dad was an accountant and I grew up watching him do his own taxes every year. I am the car expert in the family. I’m a nurse. I’m a mother. I do the laundry, I vacuum, I cook.
Hubby is a teacher, does the yard work, takes out the trash/recycling/yard waste (which is a full time job in Seattle), cleans the kitchen and bathroom. He is also a dad!
Which one of us is the MIS, and which one is the WS? Neither one of us has ever felt the need to draw boundaries as described in this document.
Being of service to someone else has often been the only thing that relieves my bipolar depression. I have been blessed that I have only had two episodes of hypomania, and they didn’t get me into trouble. I have had eight episodes of depression. Lithium and therapy is helping a lot.
My heart goes out to everyone who is so profoundly affected by MI that there is a need for boundaries as described in the document.
Interesting article, but i found that my spouse’s therapist would not allow me to be part of therapy.
And as such he may (or may not) have been in tune with her mood changes that led to alcohol abuses and dangerous sexual practices.
I found that the therapists desire to keep the “trust” of the patient backfired.
This may not be exactly germaine here, but I think it is. I have discovered a resource for support that I never would have dreamed of. I teach in a major private university, and I accidentally mentioned my blog (about my bipolar disorder and my temporal lobe epilepsy) to a couple of my students. They went looking for it. At first they were shocked. And then they began to be interested. Nearly all of my students know about it, and it has sparked some very interesting conversations. My sense is that there is a group of young people who have been introduced to the fact that bipolar disorder is not some horrible crazy-making thing, but a disease that even one of their respected teachers can have, and it doesn’t make him either a monster or a bad teacher. I think we need more of this kind of education—even before people get into marriages.
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Harold, you are undoubtedly right. Unfortunately, not all BP accept that they must stay on meds and not lie to friends, therapists and colleagues.
I was squarely in your camp until my wife’s illness destroyed my family.
Hi, Harold–
This is very interesting. I was just having a conversation with a friend who noted that all the people he hears about who have bipolar are celebrities or famous historical figures – Vincent Van Gogh, Robert Downey Jr., Sylvia Plath, etc. That’s the picture people have in their minds of bipolar.
I think you’re right. We need to realize that accomplished professionals – teachers, business people, doctors, lawyers, politicians, and other normal folks – get bipolar disorder, too, and when the illness is managed it doesn’t make them monsters or bad at what they do.
Bipolar manifests itself in all sorts of ways in all sorts of individuals. In addition, some people with the illness manage it well, some are unable to, and some refuse to. We can’t lump everyone with bipolar into one category. People with bipolar are individuals and everyone’s struggle is unique.
hi i am new to all this my husband was diagnosed 6 years ago with bi polar life has beeen unbearable for the most part on the meds etc:this year for the last six months he has been having an affair with a 67 year old woman .he is 53 years old and i am 45 years of age .he just uses our home like a hotel .and expects to be treated with the best life has to offer on every level .my health took a bad turn earlier this year .and he just left me to get better without any help from him .and told me that if i got any sicker that i could be put away someplace out of the way .his words not mine.. i developed arthritis and high blood pressure mainy due to the stress in my life.my childeren and i have asked him to leave and do what ever makes him happy but he refuses to do so and says he sees no reason why he should and that he is doing nothing wrong.and this is the way he wants to live his life.when we last slept together over 3 months ago .he said to me i didnt have what he was looking for in a woman.i am over the insults and the torture of this man . i left and his followed and says if i dont live with him that he will commit suicide .life is so so sad and horrible i would just like some peace i know he is not well and its the bipolar doing all this .. but so much pain and suffering has happened through all this .and our lives are so damaged i think we couldnt ever get back to a normal way of life . my question where and when is it all going to end ?thank you all for reading this .can you offer any help or advice please x
hi again i red lots of the above comments good to know i am not so alone …………
Hello, I’ve been researching bi-polar sites trying to get a feel for what is available in the way of information and on line support.
I’m bi-polar, it started earlier than most people believe. Deep suicidal depression before the age of 10. Mania erupted around the same time too.
I’m at a transition point: I have found out just how awful bi-polar can be to me and to those who love me. I got Grave’s Disease, which attacked my thyroid.
Anytime there is a chemical imbalance in your body, there will be an imbalance with the bipolar.
Thyroid is such a powerful hormone that it tore me apart in every way possible. Insomnia, depression, rage, mania, suicide, were just some of the fun things I had to deal with for almost five years. Finally, only ten months ago was I given a “better” dosage, which is natural, from a pig’s thyroid. It had to be done as i could not break down the synthetic T4 into T3. And T3, synthetic is Cytomel, used to be used as an antidepressent. Watch out bi-polars.
It couldn’t end there, I had a fall cracked my head or actaully bent a bathtub rail. Had a left side stroke, damaged the discs in my neck, and I may just have lupus now. I’m 5’6″ and maybe 90 pounds and in constant pain.
But I want to work though I’ve been disabled for 10 years. I’m the “bi-polar reporter.” I’m currently using my hypo mania to deal with a public healthcare district, the bipolar way.
And, as if fate intervened, when I became disabled I got the license plates: the numbers were/are 5150. I believe on some level it’s my destiny and that of those who chose to use it.
I have a second blog, “The bi-polar American” and i’s written by me along with some younger kids who are bipolar but so incredibly creative and so lacking in self esteem or worth.
I’m trying to get my local youth involved, and they seem to come to me.
Google me and let me know what you think about our site: Laura Hart The bi-polar American.
I feel sad that so many of us suffer and are not able to keep jobs, relationships, and even take care of ourselves.
So, I’m trying to do my part. Good luck to us all, on both sides of the issue.
I beleive we all have something to contribute and I don’t use the problem as an excuse, but I do admit to it as a reason, and try to be responsible for what I do and blurt.
Tnank you. Laura Hart
i am blogging to work through my relationship with my bipolar friend. i hope you’ll visit and offer advice!
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this article.
It’s helpful to have some tools to help cope with the effects of bipolar in our family life. I’ve already found that having firm boundaries in place with severe consequences to be very beneficial in navigating my way through this.
I want to say that I am filled with hope.
Life with a bipolar spouse (especially when you have three small children) is incredibly hard. I bear the burden of having to go back to work full-time because my husband can’t or at least won’t and still maintain the household, the laundry, helping the school age child with homework, handling the finances, etc.)
I do find that when I am enacting/holding the boundaries in place it is helpful to offer it up like a choice instead of as a demand. “J, we’ve agreed that this behavior is unacceptable and doesn’t grow our marriage relationship. If you choose to live a seperate life from your family, then feel free to resume this activity/behavior/”friendship.” If you would like to continue on with us, here in this home, this will not continue.” Conversation over.
So often in setting and enacting boundaries with my bipolar spouse (in addition to having to be responsible for and manage almost EVERYTHING else)I feel like the parent of a 4th, adult child. It is overwhelming and lonely at times.
Life with a spouse with bipoar is hard. It is very hard. There is no sugar coating it. There are many inspirational phrases that I read that say to be patient, and say to be hopeful, and that is all very true, but it is so hard to be hopeful when you are trying to hold your whole family’s head above water by yourself most days. Trying to protect your children from seeing thier mother lash out again, or cry again, or yell again, or worse.. threaten to try and take her life again. I go to work where I am a manager at a very large company and there is lots of stress. I take it all with a smile, but inside I know that instead of being able to go home after a crazy day at work, my home will be no comfort for me. I sometimes stay late at work to get a break from home in fact. I am patient, and I realize that the person I am talking to, who is yelling bad things about me can not help herself, but in the end, does it really matter if they mean to hurt you or if it is an illness that makes them act this way? If you are driving in your car and you hit another car and injury or kill someone in the other car(God forbid), does it really matter if you meant to hit them? Does it take away the grief that both families of the accident have to bear in the wake of such a tragedy? No. There are good days too, and she is a good mother and trys her best to be a good person, she really does. But even on the good days, you almost cant enjoy them, because you are almost wondering how long you have until the next episode will start again. There needs to be more focus on finding cures for this illness. It is one of the most destructive illnesses to family that deal with this, and you hardly hear a peep from anyone about it because we are all ashamed and hide it from everyone, because the friends and family we share it with, with all thier good intentions that they may have, have thier own lives and struggles to deal with and get scared away over time seeing something that they dont understand, and it is with no fault of thiers. I honestly dont know if I would want to deal with someone else if the roles were reversed. I am venting here. I am sorry if this does not bring the hope that others have expressed, and God bless them for it, but keeping it all in and being the strong one always for the family (and I would not change any of my burden to prtoect my children) sometimes takes a toll and there are not many places to express it to others who may be familiar with what you are going through.
I’m finding that as a Psychologist and the WS, this article is hard to digest. After 4 years of marriage, one small child, and 10+ years of being partnered with someone with BP, I’m sadly just realizing the drastic need for such boundaries. While I agree that the boundaries are (absolutely) needed to keep ones family emotionally and physically safe are necessary, the extent that this article goes seems like it can be very demoralizing and even enabling of the MIS. The extent mentioned here seems like it can not only be “over”-controlling, but also a HUGE burden for the WS. Beyond the daily stress of any relationship, family, job, this author suggests that it even more (practically ALL) household responsibilities lie on the WS? Seems unrealistic and I wonder if taking on so much just makes things worse? Why not keep some responsibilities divided, and keep the boundary contingent on their completion (ie. MIS file the taxes, but have consequences if they don’t get filed on time)? Though this does come with some risk, it seems like a practical way to keep the WS sane… The end points struck me the most, especially the statement “Often the mere threat of leaving scares the MIS into compliance.” Wow, a relationship based on ultimatum! Is it possible that that can work? I’m still figuring this out…
I’ve been reading over the back and forth of people with bipolar and without. I have bipolar and was just hospitalize and released a few days ago. I pitty my wife for what she went through, I had been off my meds for a few months and decided to go back on them my self instead of getting the start packs and doing it right. Well what I didn’t know was that I also have a respitory infection. I was walking through the house I work in and it was like someone pulled a black curtain everything went dark I started sweating profusely. This was about 7:30am I started getting my head together at about 10:30am. I that time frame I couldn’t tell you where I was or what I was doing. I ended up going to my in-laws house and had the same thing happen again but instead of blacking out for a few hours I blacked out at about 4:30pm and woke up two days later in the hospital with my dad sitting beside me. This was at about 8:00pm on the following Tuesday. He left and I tried to go back to sleep but couldn’t get comfortable in the hospital bed. At Midnight a Sheriff’s Deputy came to pick me up. I was handcuffed and shackle and transported two hours away from home to a hospital with a mental ward. I had no idea what had happened or what was going on. I had to stay there for two and a half days to be observed and court order to take my medicine and see a psychiatrist. Still not knowing for sure what happened until my family arrived and told me. You want to talk about scary. This had never happened before. When I called my wife the following Tuesday she didn’t know where I was or what was going on the hospital kept giving her the HIPPA information protection spill. This was my wife who was there the whole time that I was in the first hospital. Well as for what happened. I was wondering around the house again blacked out. “The lights were on but no-one was home.” I walked through out the house just saying “I don’t understand”, my wife kept trying to get me to lay down and I kept telling her I couldn’t lay in the middle of the bed. She said she kept talking to me but I wasn’t responding. Her and her brother finally got me into the car to take me to the hospital and they had to put the child locks on because I kept trying to get out of the car. When I got to the hospital I wondered down a back hallway and was cornered up by security. My wife said when she got around to where I was at the four security guards had me on the floor with my hands behind my head trying to restrain me. They finally got me on a gurney and sedated. The next day they were trying to put in a cathereder in to get a urine sample to see if I was on any drugs and it took about six people two of which were my mom and my wife to hold me down. They said I bit a deputy that was there in the next room picking someone up and heard the struggle and tried to help and I bit a nurse. Luckily since I wasn’t of sound mind at the time, they didn’t press charges. They finally sedated me again and when I woke up the next day is when my dad was there. I know understand what it’s like to go through what others that I have talked to that have been through that have dealt with. Not only are your loved one at times scared to be around you but you feel bad because it’s really out of your hand to at times. I have a good support group at church and one of my friends also has bipolar and went through a similar situation a few years ago. I know I’m going to catch hell from my doctor on Monday when I go to see him about not taking my meds, because my friend with bipolar really gave me grief for stopping my meds. It was because of the cost for the most part. I know and did know that I needed them. Oh by the way my wife also has clinical depression so she can sympothize to a certain lever with what I go through. I know how dangerous someone that is going through a manic attack can be both to there selves and to others. The care that the hospital staff gave me may have been rough but due to the scabs and cuts on me I know they were doing what they thought was right at the time and in the long run it’s nothing that won’t heal, compared to what I could have done to myself. The only real complaint I have is that they didn’t keep my wife informed of what they were doing, why they were doing it, and where they sent me. Even the psychiatrist the I was ordered to go see, when we told her what happened said the way they kept things from my wife was not right. I have just chalked this up to: I need a durable power of attorney for my wife to get information and her one so I can get information and to stay on my meds and see a doctor when I’m sick.
For those that don’t have any mental health problems hang in there. Count the good things that are in your life, when things are spinning with your spouse it will only be for a short time, and things will work out. Remember everyone has there faults some have a diagnosis and a name and some don’t. The ones that don’t you have to worry about, because the one’s that do have a name have been diagnosed and you or your spouse can get help. Some people just go undiagnosed and make everyone’s life around them hard. Believe me I’ve had to live with a neighbor that has been married three times and divorced three times and is as mean as the day is long, and run off everyone around him but the people that are scared of him and he abuses them. At least my disease has a name and we can fix it.
Well I’ve held you up long enough I have three beautiful kids to take care of and college classes to attend take care. May God bless you with a support group like mine, and many blessings.
First I want to introduce myself: I live in Rio / Brazil. I’m 27, I am a happily married woman! I finished law school in 2006 and early 2007 was already in the portfolio of OAB in hand, although it has not worked as a lawyer, unless a court free of charge. I am also trained in piano. In fact I started studying piano at age 9 and finished the course in 2003. Currently I am only private music teacher and homemaker, which I have done very well …!
In September 2010 I discovered that I suffer from bipolar affective disorder.
Today I have lived very happy day because I’m able to handle it so surprising to me … is a phase of discovery and conquest.
God has helped me every day! Hallelujah!
Excuse the mistakes in grammar.
Hugs.
I find this article offensive. And stigmatized